Chill 25-Year-Old D.C. Bro Writes An Epic Craigslist Ad — Er, Novel — For A New Roommate

by 1 year ago

I don’t know who this dude is, but I feel like some people deserve the power of BroBible when it comes to finding a chill af roommate situation. This guy deserves a chill roommate in his Columbia Heights/Petworth apartment. So if  you’re in the 202, hit him up.

He gets bonus points in my book for making fun of the stupid, overused “laid back young professional” line in a roommate ad. Because THAT PHRASE ALWAYS MEANS YOU’RE BORING, HATE FUN, AND GENERAL SUCK AT LIFE.

Cheers to crackin’ ‘Bohs at 10am. No judgement in my book.

What’s up, DC People?

My roommate went and moved in with his girlfriend, because apparently some things are more important than drinking at inappropriate hours and talking shit about the New England Patriots. As such, I need a new roommate.

Have you ever looked at your apartment and thought “Hot damn, this place does not have nearly enough windows?” Because this place has windows on windows. In fact, the only part of the apartment that’s not made of windows is your sweet-ass private motherfucking bathroom with a high pressure showerhead that’s gonna blast all the grime of the Swamp off you in seconds. Essentially you live in a glass house, but feel free to throw all the motherfucking stones you want, ’cause we’re up real high and nobody can throws that far. LOL, suckers.

Are you tired of the ever-present “laid back young professionals” who “like to have a good time” but then start going all fucking Revolutionary Guard on your ass for cracking your first Natty Boh at ten AM? ‘Cause that noise will neither happen, nor fly under this roof.

Have you ever not wanted to put up with busted down washing machines? Or skeevy neighbors stealing your shit from the dryer (Looking at you Nathan, give me back my shirt)? Or grubby landlords trying to squeeze an extra five dollars out of you for the privilege of using their Ford-Administration washing machines (Looking at you, all of Glover Park)? Because this joint’s got both IN THE UNIT, FOR FREE. You can wash things whenever the hell you want, because America.

Sick of people thinking “Metro Accessible” means you only have to take TWO busses and wade a quarter mile through a crowd of tourists to get to the Metro. Because this place is a just two blocks from the Georgia Avenue Metro. It would be one, but sorry, you’ve got a full-ass Safeway right between our place and your stop. Rough. I know. And if you’re one of those healthy types that doesn’t like cramming your ass full of preservatives and high-fructose corn syrup, we’ve got a Yes! Organic a block away in the other direction.

Do you want to get SWOLE AF? There’s a free gym membership involved at a place a five minute drive away. Now you can work off all that Safeway food and 10AM Natty Bohs. I know I’ll be going, before the Maryland Bar Exam turns me into some Island of Dr. Moreau Looking Monstrosity made only out of cheap beer, baby carrots, and whatever shit I can make in a crock pot.

Do you like hanging out on roofs and grilling? (Note that I didn’t say grilling meat, you can grill vegetables and tofu or whatever too if that’s your thing, and that’s awesome.) Of course you do, because you’re not Ted fucking Kaczynski. Well, we’ve got a 24 hour 365 day roof deck with grills and a big-ass TV.

Me, I’m a twenty-five year old student-debt-drowning millennial stereotype who got a job working in Criminal Defense after number two law school in the country (when sorted alphabetically), went and gave me a law degree. I like hanging out on the couch, drinking beer, hookahs, talking about politics, going out, watching TV, weeping silently in my room in anticipation of Bar Exam results and all sorts of other cool shit. I took the DC tour guide exam too, so if you’re not from here, I can definitely show your transplant ass around. Just a heads up, and I swear that this is the only town where people seem to care about this – I am a Republican, who will occasionally say nice things about our President. If that’s a dealbreaker, I assure you that you will have no trouble finding some kinda commune in Tenleytown to accomodate you.

I’m very respectful of your possessions too. My stuff, for the most part, is your stuff. But if you leave something out in the living room, I’m gonna be like “oh, damn. That shit’s not mine. I shouldn’t fuck with it” and not hide it or yell at you about it, because I’m not a complete fucking brownshirt or a passive-aggressive bag of dongs.

You’re a person who doesn’t suck.

I don’t give a shit about your race, sex, gender, who you like to screw, your stance on our President, or PCs vs. Macs, or fucking whatever. I’ll even help you move in! Just help me pay my rent on time, and be able to pass a routine credit check, and don’t be some kind of diddler that can’t pass a background check from the leasing company. I would like to meet you, or at least Skype before we seal the deal because, hell, we’re gonna be living together for at least a year.

Hit me up, unlike some people on Craigslist – y’all motherfuckers know who you are – I’ll contact you back. Just do me a favor and put Make Petworth Great Again in the subject line so I know you’re not a spambot, or worse, a damn Commie.

Windows on windows. Book it.


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