Why don’t I ever open up a box of Hot Pockets and a bag of pure Colombian blow falls out, or go to fill up my cup from a soda dispenser and miraculously Pappy Van Winkle bourbon pours into my cup? It seems like every day I read about someone who has found a diamond in the rough, and meanwhile my life is just like Super Troopers: the snozberries taste like snozberries. A woman in San Antonio though she’d won a prize in her Nature Valley granola bar when a tiny bag covered in dollar signs fell out, but upon further investigation she discovered it was cocaine, blow, smack, nose candy, yeyo…it was a lil bag of snow.
Instead of breaking out some gator tails right there on the table she foolishly called the cops to have the mysterious cocaine investigated. How she didn’t stop, take a deep breath, and realize that this was a gift from the gods is beyond me. I guess this is one of those situations where you need to think about the most average person you know and then realize that 50% of the population is dumber than that person.
You think of a child getting a hold of a package that’s got interesting symbols on it, dollar signs in this case, and ingesting something like cocaine that could have a possibly dangerous effect, maybe even deadly on a child,” added Salazar.
Cynthia Rodriguez reported the incident to SAPD March 18, after the bag of cocaine fell from the wrapper of a Nature Valley granola bar.
Rodriguez said she originally thought she won a prize. She called Nature Valley and a company representative told her to report the incident to her local police department.
Rodriguez said an officer and a detective first tested the substance to see if it was heroin. The detective then tested it for cocaine.
“He tried for cocaine and they both looked at each other and he goes ‘oh my goodness, its high quality cocaine,'” said Rodriguez.
SAPD took the drugs, the wrapper and the box the granola bars came in as evidence.
Salazar said detectives are trying to determine at what point the cocaine got inside the wrapper.
“We’re not sure if this was something added on purpose or if it was something that may have fallen out of someone’s pocket on the assembly line,” said Salazar.
General Mills, the company that owns the Nature Valley brand, released a written statement Wednesday:
“We referred this to the police department in March, and are confident this did not happen in our facility.”
When pressed for answers about why company officials feel this way, spokesperson Mike Siemienas said granola bars move quickly along its factory assembly lines and that it would be “difficult” for someone to place drugs inside a wrapper.
Rodriguez said she’s thankful one of her 11 grandchildren, three of whom live at her home, did not find the bag.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand there’s your answer right there: she’s a grandmother. No grandmother’s going to find a tiny bag of blow and think ‘yup, today’s that wonderful day that’s making up for all those shitty days throughout my lifetime.’
I’m not exactly certain that this tiny, tiny bag of coke would be lethal to children, but I guess it’s always better to be safe than sorry when it comes to kids and drugs. What’s interesting is that the cops immediately recognized the blow as being ‘high quality’, which leads me to believe San Antonio’s finest have been tooting up a storm behind closed doors, but that’s just conjecture on my part…