Comcast Has A Hilariously Bad Idea To Provide You With Better Costumer Service, Will Likely Bankrupt Them

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REJOICE! The world’s shittiest shithole of a company, Comcast, is making a $300 million attempt to suck less at customer service. That seems like a lot of money. Especially when you consider that one of their new customer service “perks” is to pay you $20 every time a technician is late for an appointment. Has anyone ever had a cable technician, no matter the company, actually show up on time?

So yeah, no possible way this bright idea is going to blow up in their face.

But what a move, though, huh? It’s like they took this play right out of the Absentee Father Playbook. It’s the notion that money makes everything better. “Sorry you sat on the stoop for 4 hours waiting for me to show up while I had my thumbs up some hooker’s ass, but here’s a wad of money to throw on that wound, kiddo. In 20 years you’ll be glad you got cash instead of quality time with me.” Such hubris. I LOVE IT, but only because I would never be a Comcast customer. I tried rough sex once, wasn’t my thing.

But wait, there are more improvements! According to Ars Technica, here are more empty promises Comcast is making.

  • Comcast will “simplify billing and create better policies to provide greater consistency and transparency to customers.”
  • Comcast this year will open “three new state-of-the-art customer support centers in Albuquerque, NM; Spokane, WA; and Tucson, AZ.” The one in Albuquerque will have bilingual staff for Spanish-speaking customers.
  • Comcast is “tripling the size of its social care team to serve customers more quickly on Twitter, Facebook and other social platforms, and hiring 250 team members to serve in its Xfinity Stores across the country.”
  • Over the next few years, all 500 Comcast stores will be redesigned with “new capabilities, including intelligent queueing that allows customers to reserve a place ‘in line’ from their mobile phone, to cut wait times.”
  • Technicians and call center employees will get better technology, including “a new, cloud-based platform that gives employees a better, holistic view of the customer’s account history so they have everything they need to help customers faster.”
  • All employees, even senior management, will be required to “participate in additional customer experience training every year.”
  • New network management tools will “proactively diagnose issues in the network and enable Comcast engineers to solve them before they reach customers.”
  • Comcast’s tech tracker tool, which lets customers track the location and arrival of technicians from their phones, will be available in all Comcast markets by the end of the year.

Instead of burning all that money, allow me to propose a few simple steps that Comcast can take to improving their customer service.

1.  Don’t refuse to cancel someone’s service when that someone’s house just burnt to the fucking ground!

2. Refrain from changing a customer’s name to ASSHOLE on their final bill once they cancel their service.

3. Avoid putting a customer, who is calling about his service, on hold till CLOSING TIME.

4. Don’t train your employees to act like a complete fuckwads towards customers who want to terminate their service.

If you just managed to skip doing all of that, you wouldn’t have to blow $300 million to look like a slightly smaller pile of shit. Now, freeze your stupid new customer service program, send me a fee of $5,000,000 for saving you $295mil and we can all be friends. Cool?