Everybody has a beard these days. From your best bro to your English prof to your aged old grandma with those stray chin hairs, everyone is on board with the scruff. But with a great beard comes great responsibility. You have to rock that shit the right way or else you ruin beards for everyone. And that means you better be sure you know what you’re doing. You make one mistake and you’re the dude with a shitty beard, and that’s a hard thing to live down. And it’s easier than you think to let that happen, especially if you fall victim to one of these common yet hideous beard fails.
Trim Too High
This is a common, yet regrettable mistake for men with beards. Dudes don’t want to fall victim to the neckbeard, so they trim their neckline super-high and end up looking like George Lucas. You don’t want this. It looks like shit, and makes you look like you have a turkey gullet for a neck. Just follow the jawline and you should be fine.
Trim Too Low
On the other hand, you definitely don’t want to leave that line too low, or else you do end up looking like a neckbeard. I get it, you want to manage the scruff on your cheeks, but chopping too much off and compensating by letting your neck run wild is exactly how the Amish got started. But look here, man, at least an Amish dude has some native dignity. You, on the other hand, will just be dismissed as a sad neckbeard, and that’s no way to live. No way at all.
Even if you can grow a decent beard, you have to make sure that shit comes in right. You want a beard that, well, looks like it’s made of beard hair. What you don’t want is some curly, scraggly shit that looks like someone held you down and pasted pubes all over your face as a prank. Some dudes just can’t avoid this, and it’s unfortunate, but sometimes this can happen if you let your beard grow without trimming it at least once. The hair comes in and starts to curl, and, well, suddenly your nose looks like the world’s saddest dick in the middle of a face-full of pubes. Once you trim it, though, it should come in a little neater and, hopefully, you can avoid what the Romans called publius facialis.
You’re Just Not Ready
I know you’re eager to prove to the world that you are actually Grizzly Adams and not the 15-year-old boy you were mistaken for on Tinder last week, but you better be sure you can pull it off, otherwise you’re in for a world of sadness. Chances are you’ll be able to grow something somewhere in the general region of your face, but you don’t want to be the dude with the scraggly perv stache with a Joe Dirt dusting of facial hair surrounding it, and you really, really don’t want to be the dude with the dreaded neckbeard. There is simply no way to get a good look if you can’t grow that shit all over. I’m sorry, bro, you’ll go through puberty one day.
No matter where you decide to make your stand against hair creep, make sure that it’s even all the way around. This can be tough to pull off if you’re not an experienced beardsman, so you have to really pay attention to what you’re doing or else you end up looking like shit. You want a clean, symmetrical look, not something that looks like it was done to you by Picasso on acid. No matter what style you go for, make sure that it looks even, or else you will just confuse and disgust people. Especially people with motion sickness. They might throw up. I’ve seen it happen. Okay, maybe not, but still.
Not Trimming it Up At All
Look man, if you’re going for the biker-wizard aesthetic, then by all means, let that shit grow. Go with God. But most dudes don’t have the patience for that, and that means that they have to trim their shit up. You don’t want a neck full of scraggly hairs and what looks like weeds growing on your cheeks. You don’t look like a dude with a cool beard, you just look like a lazy piece of shit who probably hasn’t showered in a week. Either commit to the wizard look or clean your shit up.
Not Keeping it Clean
Look, you need to take care of that thing. Again, with great power comes great responsibility. You wouldn’t just let the hair on your head grow without shampooing that shit would you? No. And so you should take care of your beard accordingly. I’m not saying you should shampoo it daily. In fact, you shouldn’t because it will just give your beard a too-fluffy kind of look. But you do need to keep it clean. Just think about how many little food particles probably get stuck in there throughout the day. Hell, just think about what other, uh, let’s call them odors get trapped in there after a night of le romance. No one wants to get down with a dude whose face smells like a combination of Doritos and literal ass.
Trying to be Cool
Bro, you need to do your own thing. If that means growing a wild-man beard, so be it. If it means keeping your face as smooth as a baby’s ass, then good for you. But do what you want to do. Don’t grow something just because you think that it’s what everyone else is doing. You think these dudes with the unkempt face-fros are gonna look back in 20 years and think “Damn, that’s a good look?” No. They’re going to cringe the same way your dad cringes at his feathered hair and bell-bottoms. You think dudes today are looking at pictures from the early 90s and thinking “Shit, I gotta get me that Color Me Badd look?” Nope. And you need to keep that in mind when cultivating your own look. Do what feels right. Just make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t make your beard look like dog shit.