Once you get into the meat of your mid-20s, bros, weddings start popping up like wildfire. It is arguably the worst domino-effect situation that happens in your life.
A pair of assholes you call your friends decide to legally bind themselves together for the rest of eternity and all of a sudden it’s goddamn panic mode. Girlfriends get antsy, boyfriends get nervous, the single folk get real weird and savings accounts get absolutely decimated. Once the dust settles, you’re in a nice suit, eating a plate of salmon while downing your seventh glass of wine wondering what the fuck just happened. Bros, none of this is easy, but let’s break down going to weddings the the best that we can.
DO: GET PLENTY DRUNK
Drink up. If your friends have any semblance of dignity, they will spring for an open bar. That, bros, is your opportunity to go to work. Find a nice spot to post up, tip your bartender well and punch in your time card. Rule of thumb: save the shots for the reception. Don’t want to be piss-pants drunk and give someone’s grandma a heart attack at the ceremony. Once the old folks and the prudes exit the premises, all bets are off. And by “all bets are off,” I mean you are free to throw up in a urinal and make out with the grossest bridesmaid.
DON’T: BE THE DRUNKEST PERSON AT THE WEDDING
People have video cameras, iPhones and other wacky technology which can capture your shitbaggery forever. You’ve been drinking long enough to know what you can and cannot handle. Hopefully, you also know some of the other people at the wedding’s drinking tendencies. Keep an eye on how drunk they are and stay slightly below that level. Nothing is wrong with being the second drunkest person at the wedding. It’s like that old saying: if a bear is chasing you and your friends, you don’t have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than your slowest, fattest friend.
DO: TRY TO HOOK UP
If you’re single and not logging on Facebook to creep on every possible single girl who might attend this wedding, you’re doing it so, so wrong. Pro tip: It’s not weird if you call it something cool like “due diligence.” With that said, the wedding is ultimately a big fancy party full of strangers and reeking of desperation. Girls are on the prowl, guys are obnoxiously drunk and the alcohol is flowing freely. Hell, it’s more or less a cesspool at a certain point. Make sure to pack the holy trinity of love: condoms you know are too big for you, saran wrap and a syringe of penicillin.
DON’T: RUIN ANY LIVES HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE
This may sound obvious, but don’t fuck the bride in a closet right before the wedding. Can’t stress that enough. Now with that out of the way, you need to watch your ass. If you have a girlfriend and she can’t attend the wedding, keep it together. Keep your dick in your pants and live vicariously through your idiot single friends. They will be the ones taking 90 minute showers the next day trying to clean their soul while your conscience is sparkling. I’m not saying don’t hook up with the bridesmaid that has been crying to you about her boyfriend all night. Just ask the right questions to make sure he’s not an MMA fighter first.
That’s it. I wasn’t going to give you some lame advice on what gifts you need to buy or how to tie a bow-tie because I have not a fucking clue. I told you how to drink and how/when to fuck. If you need more than that, you’re trying entirely too hard.
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[Wedding via Shutterstock]