Craigslist Ad For ‘The Dopest Queen Pillowtop Mattress’ Is Almost To Perfect To Pass Up

There’s SO MUCH stuff listed for sale on Craigslist. SO MUCH. Some items are listed hundreds of times. Everyone is trying to sell a lamp, a couch or even a child. If you want an item to move on Craigslist, you’ve got to a) price it right and b) write a compelling ad.

I’m not sure if this ad for “the dopest queen pillowtop mattress” is priced correctly but the ad is absolutely perfect.

Call your wife/husband/kid to bring you your benzodiazepime, calm down and pay attention, because you aren’t going to find anything else like this on Craigslist. This one of a kind Comfort-Solutions, Posture-Support, Serenity is the dopest piece of manufactured latex foam, piped plastic, springs, metal and stitching that you are going to find in the Midwest.

Why is that you ask? Let me drop some knowledge on you. This bad boy has been broken in over at least the past three years by our former roommate. Not just any roommate. When I say it was broken in I mean his 6’7″ behemoth ass slept on it and created what physicists refer to as “static tension” on the springs that YOU get to benefit from. That static tension created a sleeping surface that allows you to reach some sort of transcendent state similar to what Hindu’s refer to as Moksha. This thing is like sleeping on a cloud above the Caribbean islands while James Taylor sings “Sweet Baby James” softly into your ear. How do I know this? Well I might have slept face down on it on the floor recently after a day drinking binge consisting of well over 20 beers and quite a few shots and woke up without a hangover. This thing works miracles, throw some water on it and you might have yourself a personal winery.

Now you’re at the point where this is making a little sense. “$200 for a well broken in mattress, something about spring loading physics, James Taylor sings me to bed, not that bad of a deal” is what you might be thinking to yourself but you’re still not quite yet sold. Read on.

Maybe you’re observant and you noticed that this mattress was originally shipped to and most likely purchased in Macomb, Illinois. You are correct. You also probably have no idea where Macomb is unless you attended a certain Western Illinois University. Let me tell you all that you need to know, it is located in the breadbasket of the world. This town is surrounded by so many farming communities planting and harvesting genetically modified grain that gets transported around the world it would make your head spin faster than the wheels on Billy Joe’s truck as he speeds out of the gravel driveway of his cousin Brandy’s house because his aunt caught him naked with her again. When said grain gets transported around the world, guess where it may end up. You got it, starving third world countries. So go ahead and cancel that awful charity 5k your significant other signed you up for last week and crack open a beer. You just contributed second handedly to striking out hunger across the world.

So what else do you get? Well you might get a few yellow stains on the mattress from the nights that a large man made drunken love to some lucky lady. Does that turn you off? Maybe. That’s just life though man, dried up crusty life embedded in the mattress that you’ve been sold on since I mentioned James Taylor. Maybe you noticed in the picture that beam of light shining in onto this mattress. That my friend is God’s light leading you straight towards the best night of sleep you will ever have. The bow on the floor behind the mattress? You’ve seen the car commercials where the husband surprises his wife with a new car and a huge bow on top. Buy this piece of latex art and I’ll throw it in free, you’ll be making your own love stains in no time.

So what are you waiting for? Forget that $1000+, dual adjustable zone, snore stop mattress and get yourself the real deal here. This thing is a piece of mattress history made for a legend, and that legend my friend is you.

I want this guy to write my obit. He’ll make me sound like the most important person to ever die from monkey fucking. I know I won’t the only, but I’ll at least be the most important.

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Chris Illuminati avatar
Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.