If you had to name what two groups of people were the world’s most pretentious, smug, shitty, and awful, the kind of fuckers who try to ply their shitty bullshit on unwilling masses, it would be easy to name them. It wouldn’t be a contest.
In one corner, you’d have meathead Crossfitters, purveyors of a form of exercise that, if you listened to what its practitioners preached, would have you believing you could smash iron ore with your fist after three classes (or whatever Crossfitters call it. Sessions. Regimes. I don’t fucking care.)
Oh man, can’t get much worse than Crossfitters. Except in the other corner, you’ve got vegans. Vegans, man. Fuck vegans. They want to tell you that the succulent steak you are enjoying not only won’t make you healthy, but that the amount of energy you spend each year on chewing meat could be much better spent working at Habitat for Humanity.
What happens when these two people meet?
GustOrganic is a restaurant in Chelsea, popular among Crossfitters for its many Paleo options.
Chelsea, I would like to point out right quick, is a neighborhood on the isle of Manhattan, which has more food options than anywhere else in the civilized world.
So when GustOrganic decided to go vegan, do you think Crossfitters took the news in stride and moved on to one of the literally 16 billion other eateries within a two-block radius of GustOrganic?
Fuck no. They got hot. From DNA Info:
An organic restaurant trying to go completely vegan got fierce backlash from angry “CrossFit people” upset about the transition to a meatless menu.
Here’s the thing. They didn’t even go full vegan, because they couldn’t support themselves that way. The restaurant kept rotisserie chicken, turkey meatballs and filet mignon on the menu. Perfect food for Crossfitters. High protein. Low fat.
But sanity is not these people’s strong suit.
In one text message, an angry customer decried the fact that the sizzling fajitas would no longer come with chicken or beef.
“Is something wrong with you?” the customer asked in a text to [manager Kiki] Adami.
The restaurant said they got at least 50 complaints like this, which, oh my god, that is something a human adult said to someone else over a restaurant choosing to make a conscious decision to help the environment.
But let’s not forget, saving the environment aside, vegans are smug assholes, too.
“There was a huge disconnect, because even organic farming is one of the main reasons for deforestation and [agriculture] also produces more methane emissions from all the cow-farting than all the cars in the world combined,” Adami told DNAinfo New York over five-time filtered water at the West 14th Street spot.
“It’s a totally messed-up system and we don’t want anything to do with it,” she said.
We don’t want any part of this system is the system that feeds the entire planet. Also, fuck people who use the word system. You aren’t a disciple of Foucault. Although most vegans think they are.
Also, five-time filtered water. Yea.
Smug fuckers. I hate everyone in this article, but I hate the Crossfit people even more. Way, way more. They are way worse here.
So there you go Crossfitters. You are worse than vegans.