The 5 People You Want to Delete on Facebook But Can’t

1. The Ones Who Graduated High School And Do Nothing

There are nights where I stay up until 3 A.M. writing essays, and mornings where I decide that leftover cheese fries are just as nutritious as any balanced breakfast and eat them on the way to class. This is my life as the average college student, but what is it like to still be living in your parents' house after graduation and be unemployed? I'm looking at my Facebook right now and one of these kids has 220 tagged photos, and 219 of them are cars. Is that what the average kid who didn't choose to go to college does? Take photos of cars? If I told my parents “Hey guys, instead of going for a Bachelor's degree I wanna sit around in the Walmart parking lot down the street and smoke cigarettes on a daily basis, then maybe go to school to be a mechanic and then complain about how it's too hard and just talk about cars 24/7 instead” when they asked me what my post-High School plans were, I would've been chained to a post in the backyard and left for dead.


2. The Ones Who Are Now Theater Majors

Not all Theater Majors are weird, just something like 85% which is a factual statistic that I just made up. With this in mind, that means that most of the theater kids you're friends with are probably socially retarded to a degree, which also means that they post things that should never be posted. For example, this popped up on my newsfeed the other day:

“I just got prescribed eyelash shampoo for eye related acne, did anyone else know this is a thing?”

First of all, that doesn't deserve to be public knowledge, not only because no one wants to know that but because no one needs to know the current state of how unfortunate your face currently is. Please also take note of the discussion prompting “did anyone else know this is a thing”, as if the people who do would be willing to admit it and like anyone else on Earth except for this person wants to have a deep soul-searching conversation about eye zits.


3. Family Members

I'm only friends with a few family members on Facebook because they tend to never login and so their pages are fairly reminiscent of fun-filled places like empty parking lots or vacant homes (meaning they never post anything worthwhile for the ones who don't like my lame metaphors). Then again, I have a couple who post all the time, and reading their stuff is like reading a book. You know how normal people like you and I write no more than maybe 3 sentences + a link on Facebook walls? Old people write paragraphs. This isn't email you limp dicks, you're not supposed to write a greeting and then a closing at the end of each post, and if your post has “See More…” at the end then you're doing something wrong. The only exception to this is when it's people arguing over dumb things like leaked sorority emails, since in that case the longer your post is the more you're outing yourself to the world that you need a better hobby, in which case all future employers thank you for making their screening process for idiots easier.


4. Pregnant People!

Is it annoying to have photos of random babies you don't know pop up on your newsfeed? Yes. Is seeing the transformation from “Youthful 20-Something” to “Haggard and Wrinkled Wench” in the span of a couple months after birth worth it? Duh, that's what newsfeed filter settings are for anyway, so you can nix the babies and just look at the prematurely aged people that make you feel better about not knocking anyone up. For girls, you get to feel better about how there's a 99% chance your vagina does not currently resemble the average neighborhood in Detroit, i.e. busted, cracked, and full of potholes that don't belong there. Does this get old quickly? It depends on who you're looking at. Personally I prefer to stalk the teen mom from my High School that writes statuses along the lines of “20 years young bitches! Blazin ,doin it right ya know”, because nothing rejects the stereotype that teen parents grow up to be meth addicts like writing about smoking weed on the same page that you post pictures of your kid in Tigger costumes.

5. Overly Religious To The Point Where It's Gotta Be a Joke

Now I could sit here and talk about the crazy Mormon kid that posts 3 consecutive statuses consisting of Bible verses (or whatever the magic undies equivalent is) and how he's chosen to interpret them, and of course I could go on and on about the girl from my 9th grade English class that won't shut up about how the CEO of Victoria's Secret is actually a proponent of Satan and is trying to lure all men into Hell. As you can see, my public school was full of winners, but talking about these cream of the crop students wouldn't be fair. You see, I consider them to be delusional. Not about faith (because I don't give two shits about that), but about the fact that they think anyone other than themselves and the crazy family members that write meaninglessly ambiguous compliments like “Great Post!!!!” with both words unnecessarily capitalized and too many exclamation points wants to read this shit when they log in.
Silly me, I said I wasn't going to talk about them and then I went and wrote a full paragraph! Let's get down to where I was actually trying to head, which is this page:

This one girl posts Meme's from this page all the time, and it's both the single most infuriating while simultaneously dementedly comical newsfeed event I have all week. Look at the page. Just do it. If you have any mild understanding of what a Meme is, you'll get what's funny. No? You're culturally stunted and need help? Well then you're in luck! You can just read the comments for each Meme and indulge in the grammatical errors, excess of exclamation points, and almost complete lack of comprehension towards anything pop culture related as written by people over 60 who have somehow avoided being admitted to nursing homes despite the fact that they display advanced stages of dementia. My favorite is probably this one:

That's right everyone, the term “Swag” which is used by flaming homosexuals like T.I., Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, Ice-T, Nicki Minaj, and basically everyone under the age of 25 in the United States, means exactly that. It's people like that who we need in Government, people who are acutely aware of everything going on in society and have morals! We can't use heathenish words like “Swag” when describing Holy Men, nor can we use the terms like “Dank” (Distribute Anal Nuggets to Kids) when describing everyday objects!

In other news, I'm officially going to Hell for #5 on this list.