The Depressing Christmas List of a 29-Year-Old Guy

But eventually it ends for everybody. And you can bet your ass when you’re 29 years old, there’s no more asking for or getting a PS4, Xbox One or Red Ryder BB Gun. But maybe that’s OK. Here’s my Christmas List of things I want. It’s totally depressing, 100 percent necessary and hopefully White Santa pulls through!


Getting socks when you were younger was a slap in the face. Ugh, where’s my Vortex, ma? But is there anything better than fresh new socks? I can’t think of it. If I ever hit the lottery, my complete focus would be on making sure I had a new pair of socks everyday. Show me a guy wearing brand new socks and I’ll show you a happy man.

Gift Certificate to a 2nd Tier Chain Restaurant

Sure we’d all love to go to a wonderful steakhouse like Ruth’s Chris but after that $50 gift certificate runs out, then what? Use my own money? I’m broke bro, that’s why I’m asking for a gift certificate. I need food. Plus, if you get $50 to a Chili’s that means you can bring a date! Slide that card over to the waiter when she’s in the bathroom and it will seem like you’re rolling in the dough. Want an appetizer? Sure thing. Just don’t go ordering drinks like some kind of fancy pants.

Bottle of Scotch

For whatever reason, asking people for a 30 rack of Bud Light doesn’t really fly. So do yourself a favor and ask for a bottle of scotch. This will make it seem like your taste buds have evolved and you’re turning into more of an adult (Spoiler Alert: They’re not and you’re not). But nothing warms your soul quicker than a burning sip of Macallan 12. Forget all those student loans you owe, drink this instead!

Shaving Gear

Shaving is expensive. Santa’s Marxist ass wouldn’t know with his dumb beard but for those who have to shave everyday you know those precision blades are straight cash homey. Your relatives will be happy to get you all the necessary gear to go out into the workforce and get rejected for that $9 an hour filing job.

Gift for My Siblings

Christmas shopping sucks. You have to go to the Mall where you’ll quickly realize that you were way too hard on yourself for being 20 lbs. overweight; these people are way fatter! Still it’s no fun. So how about instead of getting me something, you buy a gift for my brother and sister? We’ll slap my name on it and boom, I’m a hero with no less money in my pocket.

Scratch Tickets

Odds are this will result in $2.00 and a whole bunch of crushed dreams. But think of the possibilities! Maybe I’ll strike it rich where I’ll be able to buy a condo, travel somewhere warm and buy all the socks money can afford (callback son).

And one more if you’re feeling lucky…

Time Machine

Look, I fucked up. I made a lot of questionable decisions throughout my life, which has led to me looking for validation from strangers on the Internet. Hook me up with one of those time machines and I’ll head back to college and take a few business classes. Wait, I won’t have to make a business plan for a class presentation will I? Because that seems like a lot of work.

There you have it. Your late 20s/early 30s is a purgatory of sorts when it comes to Christmas. You don’t have kids yet so you don’t have to worry about buying a bunch of gender-neutral toys but you’re also still a guy in need. So follow my advice and live the dream this Christmas! 

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