I Downloaded the Cuddlr App (For Experimental Purposes, Of Course)
Cuddling is back, Bros! I don’t know how or when the fuck this happened, but obviously this is terrible news. It goes without saying, cuddling sucks. For years, it remained as something we do in an attempt to try to get sex or something we did (reluctantly) after sex. Things were going so well. I’d even go as far to say that we were living in a Golden Age of easily accessible, non-committal ass. Someone invented Tinder and we were able to arrange random sex with strangers from the comforts of our couch. Then Cuddlr happened and it pooped all in the punch bowl. But, since I’m all about that creep life and take my journalism seriously, I did the damn thing and downloaded the Cuddlr app to see what it was all about. (Spoiler: I got freaked out and almost immediately deleted it)
So I opened the app and instantly got hit with some bullshit:
Couple red flags:
1) Nah, yo. These egg people are giving off some troubling vibes. And by “troubling,” I of course mean “come back to my place so I can chloroform you, dump you in an ice bath and remove your kidney.”
2) An hour to accept? Someone who looks nice? What does any of this mean? If you’re going to cuddle with an organ harvester, you better dive face first into the act. Make your decision in 10 seconds with the hottest person you can find.
How do you find a fellow cuddler, you ask? Apparently the same way you found enemy trainers in Pokemon Red.
Do we just cuddle right on the spot? Do we rent a motel? Should we get drunk first? I have no idea how this works. Either way, you almost have to go in with an erection just to draw your line in the sand.
Wait, what? PG? I don’t feel comfortable using an app based solely on rubbing genitals if my boner is not socially accepted. Can you see the egg people’s hands in that picture? Exactly. Park bench hand-jobs, like classy people.
Simply because I’m a competitor, I will strive to be the world’s greatest Cuddlr even though cuddling is fundamentally stupid and pointless. If that means working out less so I get fat, doughy and more cuddle-able then so be it. Perhaps I need go on eBay and buy a CD player so I can create cuddler-specific mixtapes for each of my meetings. There’s being a good cuddler and then there’s going the extra mile for that ‘thumbs-up.’
Now that I’ve pretty much transformed cuddling into a sport, let’s see what the deal is:
Ah, the old “we need your Facebook info so your girlfriend and all of your friends can see that you’re using an app to cuddle with strangers” trick. Not going to fall for it this time. With that said, it’s still worth poking around and seeing what the clientele is looking like. You know, for experimental reasons.
Let’s call a spade a spade – lots of dudes, including two infants. And a picture of two ninjas fighting each other with fences. It’s safe to assume that this app has a few kinks to work out in the user department. Shout out to Evie, though. Her phone battery must be hot to the touch with all the cuddle requests that must be rolling in. Basic only-chick-at-a-sausage-fest economics right there.
It may come as a surprise that I deleted the Cuddlr app about 45 seconds after downloading it, but it had to be done. They were asking about my government name and wanted to make me into a social pariah. Plus the egg people were VERY off-putting. Other than that, I can see this app going through some real struggles. Zero dudes actually want to cuddle, we all get erections, and, to be honest, we generally don’t smell awesome most of the time. The Bro market is going to use this exactly like they use Tinder and that’ll bring about some hilariously horrible results.