In The Mind Of A Girl: Why The Drunkest Chick At The Bar Willingly Made Herself The Drunkest Chick At The Bar

by 4 years ago
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Unless you live under a rock—in the sense that you’ve never been to a party/bar/club/Wendy’s/Taco Bell drive through after midnight—then it’s likely you don’t know who a “designated drunk bitch” truly is, in which case I don’t know whether to pity or envy you. Regardless, I will paint a picture:

She’s the girl who undoubtedly has spilled one or more drinks on her outfit. If this is a club environment her outfit definitely consists of something that can be described as “body con,” or that requires double-sided tape to keep her nipples slightly contained but exposed just enough to disappoint her father. Her walking rivals even the youngest of baby giraffes/deer/antelope —literally, it will look as if she’s just been pulled from the womb on a Nat Geo documentary. To be fair, this isn’t entirely because of her blood alcohol level: The 5-inch-heels she’s wearing don’t help the situation but she figured she could handle it, which is something you’ll hear her say at least 100 different variations of throughout the night:

“I’m fine.”

“I’m not even that drunk.”

“I can keep drinking.”

At some point she will remove her shoes completely (no matter where in the fuck she is—bar, dance floor, gas station bathroom, pile of hypodermic needles—wherever.) She is likely to be seen crying/vomiting/bleeding for one reason or another—that one reason primarily being her inability to hold her liquor, beer, mouthwash (anything with an alcoholic content really.)

This is the face of The DDB. You know her. You’ve dated her. You may even be related to her (hopefully your sister and not your mother.)

The million dollar question is: “Why the fuck do some girls get like this?”

Well, as someone who has been The DDB one more the one occasion, I will do my best to offer a logistical explanation so that perhaps in the future, you can take pity on her rather than taking Snapchats of her.

Obviously no female in her right mind would intentionally behave this way, so it’s important to understand that The DDB (when not intoxicated) may very well be an intelligent, capable human being. She may also be a complete basket case—it’s really the luck of the draw here. There are a few reasons as to why a girl goes from completely normal to Courtney Love in a matter of a few shots:

For one, she thinks she has a higher alcohol tolerance than she really does. The 95-pound girl who went to Florida State University and thinks that just because she used to funnel Natty Lights at 10 AM means that she can somehow throw back 5 shots of Jameson in 20 minutes without severe repercussions. This girl’s only flaw is delusion in both her tolerance and acceptance that she’s no longer an active member of Alpha Gamma Blowjob.

Likely to hear from this girl: “Have you seen my Facebook photo albums? I’ve partied harder before noon than we are right now.” “Pass me a beer; I need a chaser for my tequila.”

She’s heartbroken/any variation of emotional distress: She becomes The DDB because she’d rather black out then handle reality. This is the first sign of alcoholism. Isn’t that fun?

Likely to hear from this girl: “I just don’t understand why he did this to me again *takes sip* I forgave him last time *takes larger sip* and he swore he’d never do it again *chugs entire remainder of drink.*

She uses alcohol as an excuse for poor behavior: Some girls think that by drinking alcohol they get a free pass in being a long list of shitty qualities with the justification of, “well I was drunk so it didn’t count” or my personal favorite, “If I can’t remember then it didn’t happen.” These girls are generally very torn between being their normal responsible selves and being complete degenerates.

Likely to hear from this girl: “It’s my night off, I’m going to do whatever I want and nobody can tell me otherwise….but if you see me on my phone just try and take it away….also make sure I don’t drive….but let me have fun.”

She’s awkward/anti-social/nervous: This is pretty self-explanatory. The girl guzzles alcohol because she’s a wet blanket.

Likely to hear from this girl: Nothing—until she’s 4 drinks deep.

She didn’t do it on purpose: Some girls simply forget to monitor their intake and as a result get completely hammered with no intention of doing so. Of course you can go running around saying, “well she’s an adult so she should know better,” but don’t be that douchebag. Alcohol is a tricky fucking substance. Some will argue it’s the most dangerous substance there is…I mean, that’s a bit extreme. Have you seen Crystal Meth users? Those are some scary looking people.

Likely to hear from this girl: “What the fuck happened last night?” “Where’s my phone?” “Didn’t I have $100.00 in my purse?” “I’m never drinking again.”

To be clear, The DDB can be a dude. I’ve seen plenty of guys pull this shit just minus the heels and body con dresses (hopefully.)

Remember: We’ve all been on the losing side of a bottle/can/flask/etc. more than we’d like to admit in our lives. It’s important to understand why these things occur so we can fix them….or at least explain them while we attempt to hold back some chick’s ponytail as she heaves vodka tonics (with extra lime) onto the pavement.

[Header image via Shutterstock]


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