Ali Adler has spent the majority of her career surrounded by clueless men. Men who talk endlessly about women and sex but seem to know absolutely nothing about either topic.
Thankfully, she gets paid for it.
Best-known for her critically-acclaimed work on TV comedies like Family Guy, Glee, Chuck and The New Normal, Ali has spent an inordinate amount of time sequestered in writers rooms with guys. Rooms where, she explains in her new book How To F*ck A Woman, “testosterone, fear, competitive eating games and flatulence fill the air.” The book has received incredible reviews, including perhaps the greatest quote about anything, ever, from the amazing John Stamos.
“If I weren’t John Stamos, I would really need this book.” — John Stamos
A gay woman living in a straight world filled with oblivious men, Adler bluntly but hilariously breaks down sex and relationships so that even the most moronic can understand. It’s almost an instruction manual to women. Almost.
“If an instruction manual came with a woman,” Adler explained during a break from her new project, Supergirl, “and it explained in great detail how to fulfill the emotional and sexual needs of a woman, guys would just throw it out immediately anyway. They never read instructions.”
So what makes Adler an authority on the subject of sex and the needs of a straight woman? The Rubik’s Cube in her pants.
“I do know the parts because I’ve owned the equipment all my life. I mean, if you were born with a Rubik’s Cube in your underpants, you’d sure as hell figure out how to master it over time. I’m not only referring to the parts here; I’ve also owned the temperament. It comes free with the vagina.” Adler also admits she’s usually just as confounded by her own gender and attracted to women, so her and straight men have something in common.
“It’s harder to listen than it is to get laid” Adler explains. She’s offering tips on both — how to get your dick wet while putting your listening cap on. “Just listen. Even fake the listening part! Listening is the key to getting laid.”
The Three-Point Plan For Breaking Up
Perhaps the most important lesson bros can take away from Adler is how to a relationship. Adler titled the section “Getting Rid Of The Vagina You Have.” But who’d ever want to get rid of a perfectly good vagina? Uh, plenty of people. Here’s where men go WRONG every time.
“Men have this really bad habit of deciding internally that they’re done in a relationship, but forget to actually communicate that to a partner. During a break-up, just use your words. Just say ‘I’m not into this anymore.’ That way, you’ve expressed your feelings out loud. Basically, the worst is over. You’ve said how you feel and it’s out in the open and the rest is pretty easy. Frankly, now she’s someone else’s headache, all her emotions and the processing of the split. Now it’s all on her friends to listen to her. You said your peace so you’re good.”
Adler offers a three point plan for breaking up that says is “not easy, however, I can guarantee that it will only be extremely uncomfortable for a short period of time, versus perpetually uncomfortable for an entire lifetime. ”
The three points for a break-up involve these three lines. Adler explains “you might not need all three but have them all ready just in case.’
POINT ONE: “I care about you too much to keep doing this dance.”
POINT TWO: “This relationship isn’t right for me, and that’s never going to change.”
POINT THREE: “I’m not in love with you, and I never will be.”
Any of these lines should explain, plain as day, that you just want out of the deal. Adler suggests starting with the first point instead of going straight for the three-point dagger.
Adler said she doesn’t even care if guys read the book. The mere presence of the book will get you laid. More so than the history of porn on your computer and “Kama Sutra King” coffee mug.
“Leave it out the next time a woman comes over or put it on top of other books on the nightstand. It will probably get you laid in no time. If I were a straight woman and saw the book on a guy’s nightstand, I’d find it attractive that he was that interested in learning how to please a woman.”
The book is written for men but Adler feels women can take just as much away from the text.
“It’s really about being understood. It’s a primer to men. It’s about women, but it’s essentially for everyone. If a woman picks up the book and starts reading she’ll be able to hand it over to her man and go ‘look, she gets it, why can’t you?’”
Adler realizes she’s asking a lot of men to a) read and b) comprehend and put the ideas into action. She offers an alternative means of learning if that’s too much for a guy to handle. Maybe the book can even be considered foreplay.
“I will suggest women read it to their guy while completely naked,” Adler jokes, “but then it might take years to just get through the first chapter.”