Finance Bro Wants to Hook Up With His Hot Co-Workers, Plus Do You Dump a Chick If You Hate Her Dog?
Q: Trying to figure something out here. I work at an office where there's a handful of young cuties. I'm a good looking normal guy and pretty outgoing. I've been noticing that these babes will interact with me about work related stuff but when it comes to anything else and just having random convos and getting to know each other, they're ice cold. Have any idea what's going on here?
A: Thanks to your email address I know that you work in finance, where the benefits are great but the workday policies are suffocating. Under the watchful eye of “the man”, you'll take your hour lunch break liberally but wouldn't dare unbutton your collar or discuss anything but the vending machine assortment or impending weekend weather. He (that is, the man) has single-handedly and omnisciently instilled the fear of god in all of his employees, and nobody wants to risk their six-figure salary in exchange for the potential of an office romance or even raising an eyebrow.
So yes- these female robots/coworkers you speak of have a serious wall up, and with the exception of an especially cool one, they're probably not going to be lining up to join you at 2-for-1 well drinks by Grand Central. So I wouldn't take it to heart, necessarily; but I would take your efforts outside of the office where they'll be much less in vain.
Q: As a freshman in college, I dated this girl for a few months and she ended up leaving me for a flower-pushing ex that popped back into the picture. Even though I kept fucking her (because I hated her boyfriend) for the next 3 months, there were still some feelings there. Now I'm seeing one of her friends, who's actually much cooler, and she's really not okay with it. Should I not care at all or am I being a doucher?
A: I guess whether or not you “should” care is sort of subjective. But in regards to you being a doucher, yeah; you do sort of sound like it. Consider if the circumstances were flopped; a recent ex, despite who broke things off, starts banging one of your breaus. Without any context or specifics, you can't deny that it feels fucking terrible. So really it comes down to a matter of how much of a shit you give about her feelings and how much you believe in karma. If neither are significant then sure; brush it off and enjoy the new fling. But don't come crying to me when new girl throws a curve ball and decides that your roommates bed is just like, a lot more comfortable than yours.
Q: Ok, just started hooking up with a total smokeshow and she has a really annoying dog that sleeps in bed with us and bites my toes/barks all the time and is a little shit. Anyway how can I get this thing away from me? Even if I invite her to sleep at mine she says she “feels bad” leaving him home alone all night.
A: Let me guess…she owns a chihuahua. That's an educated guess considering that any real dog like a German Shepherd or Pitt would gnaw your toe off entirely with one bite. In case my bias against small dogs and the women who own them wasn't clear enough..I fucking hate those yappy aliens and I feel your pain. Unfortunately for you and your abused toes, you're not escaping this heathen creature unless you're willing to take some really extreme measures.
Like killing it. Killing your girlfriends pet. Which I'd advise against, and would instead pass along an ancient proverb that goes something like, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. This shrimpdogalien is your fucking enemy, and it's time to bring out the big guns. I'm talkin' kibble treats, no scolding, dog tricks..it's time to make this bitch your bitch. As much as it may pain you, become its best fucking friend. If all of your efforts fail, your girlfriend will be forced to recognize the difficult nature of her tiny terrorist and hopefully give into some proper dog training, or at least leaving the thing at home from time to time.
Q: So I've been dating this girl for about four years now. We're both Seniors and I asked her to prom but shes already going with two guys “as part of a group.” Now, normally I wouldn't care but for some reason this one is getting to me. Should I drop this girl and move on to the next one?
A: Let me get this straight; your girlfriend of four years is casually ditching you as a prom date, in favor of manwiching herself between two other prepubescent dweebs?
And you're sure you guys are dating?
Though you say you don't normally care, you absofuckinglutely should- and this situation is the opposite of an exception. Now, I don't know whats considered “the norm” in high school land nowadays–and I thank the lord above for that– but I know for sure, naive young bro, that you need to kick this “girlfriend” of yours to the curb before she starts bringing other dudes on your romantic dates.
Q: My gf and I broke up in February. I am in college and we do not attend the same school and we've rarely talked to each other. I've been home for a week and we hung out for a little bit, cuddled, told each other that we were lonely and that we missed each other. Now I am head over heels in love with this girl. She is the one.
I thought we were on track to get back together and try again, then all of a sudden she turns the tables and says we can't be friends and we shouldn't hangout anymore, because she's not ready and doesn't know what she wants. Ever since we broke up I have not stopped thinking about her and all I want is that second chance to prove to her that she is the one and that I will do anything for her. My question is…what do I do because I will be lost and unhappy for the rest of my life if I lose her.
A: First and foremost lets tone down the dramatics a little bit. I don't know you, or your proclaimed soul mate; but frankly I don't need to know a damn thing to say with total confidence that you will not be “lost and unhappy for the rest of your life”, just because you're firstname.lastname@example.org right now.
Of course you miss each other, but in no way does that mean that she's the one and no other girl can ever satisfy your needs for love. That just ain't true. By trying to push her into any relationship she's not ready for, you'll actually be pushing her away. So give her space. Give her time to think about whether or not she'll be lost and unhappy without you…and whatever her feelings are, you have to respect and respond accordingly. Hopefully it turns out in your favor. But if not…you're in college. I think you'll survive.
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