The First Death Storm Of Winter 2016 Is About To Hit The East Coast, Here’s How You Will Die

winter-death-storm

Weather


Brace yourself, dudes. It’s death storm time. What had, until now, been a tame winter is here to FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. Stock up on bread. Get so much fucking bread. Buy more than enough booze and start texting your drugs dealers now, because come Friday, you and them will be buried under a wall of snow 90 fucking miles high, leaving you cross country snow skiing to pick up dime bags until May.

New York? Fucked.

Washington? Fucked.

Boston? Fucked.

Everywhere in between (Philadelphia?): Fucked.

It’s storm central up and down the East Coast. From The New York Times:

Rich Otto, a meteorologist at the National Weather Service in College Park, Md., said that several forecasting models predicted a “pretty good snowstorm” heading up the coast on Friday into Saturday.

The storm expected this weekend could change those numbers. Mr. Otto said that one to two feet of snow could be expected from Washington, D.C., to New York and Boston, but warned that it was still too early to pinpoint exact snowfall numbers yet.

Couple that with mother fucking Sub-Zero (FINISH HIM) temperatures. How you gonna handle that shit? AHHHNN. Wrong answer. You ain’t. Per DNAInfo:

Up to a foot of snow could blanket city streets this weekend as a major snowstorm is expected to hit Friday night into Saturday — as temperatures begin dipping dangerously low as of Tuesday, meteorologists warn.

Windchills will have it feeling below zero, they said.

Enjoy that shit, everyone. And don’t expect this one to bitch out like all the other ones (talking to you, storm that bitched out last year when you were supposed to drop three feet). Here’s Capital Weather Gang:

A high-impact snowstorm for the region is nearing inevitability and there is some chance it will be historic, paralyzing travel and disrupting normal routines.

NEARING FUCKING INVITABILITY. God luck surviving that with your gumption and your pluck and whatever the fuck it is you rely on. NO MATCH FOR THE SEASON’S FIRST DEATH STORM.

Every major computer model is now forecasting double-digit snowfall totals for the D.C. area Friday and Saturday.

The agreement among forecast models for a severe winter storm in this case is remarkable and a hallmark of some of our most memorable snow events. However, this storm is still three days from starting, which means there is time for shifts.

The National Weather Service has raised its winter-storm-threat scale to its highest level.

Which means you need to pack your bong to its fullest level. That’s the only way to survive this shit, Bros. By being high as ALL hell. I mean, look how bad this mother fucker is gonna merck us.

death-storm-2016

End times.

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