As I was cruising around the web just now, I came across this post on the Daily Mail about foods that allegedly murder your sex life.
Naturally, I couldn’t resist the temptation of clicking. Wanted to know — NEEDED TO KNOW — if I was throwing a wrench in my penis’ constant plans to bone like a champ.
Ahhh…who am I kidding? I’m not superhuman, my penis doesn’t always want to have sex. Sometimes I just don’t feel like banging the Mrs, you know? Is my diet causing that? Maybe — I do eat a ton of the foods listed below. But maybe I’m just fucking tired from a long day at the office and a little pissed that she doesn’t have a hot meal waiting for me when I get home…even though she usually works later than me.
What can I say? My expectations of marriage are unreasonable. Most things about me are unreasonable.
Anyway, the Daily Mail listed 15 foods that you should avoid, according to nutritionist Elouise Bauskis. Below are those 15 foods, the “alleged” reason you should stay away from them prior sex, and my expert advice on what you should really do.
1. Black licorice
I’m not even going to provide the reason why you shouldn’t eat it here. Black licorice is disgusting, and if you’re eating it you’re probably not getting laid anyway.
Accused of: Being a libido killer.
According to my mother, “If you eat too much of that cheese, Jason, it’ll bind ya. Block ya up real good.” When you factor that in with the dead libido, cheese sounds like the goddamn devil. I love sex and I really enjoy my morning shit, might need to rethink cheese altogether.
Accused of: Possible sluggishness.
We all know that beans bring the heat and cause a whole lotta asshole burps, but I never knew beans to drain my energy. Is the sudden exhaustion from eating beans or all the subsequent fart holding?
Accused of: No reason was provided.
5. Hot dogs
Accused of: “The high saturated content of hot dogs can clog up the vaginal and penile arteries.”
I say… EAT THEM ANYWAY! Because hot dog farts smell so vile they’re basically an aphrodisiac.
Accused of: Being a libido killer.
You know what else is a libido killer? Knowing that your breath smells like a hobo’s chode. Take your chances, eat the fucking breath mint.
7. Tonic Water
Accused of: Decreasing sexual function.
That’s probably your penance for drinking vodka instead of whiskey or beer. That said, I think tonic is still alright, because it can’t possibly offset how horny all the booze is making you.
8. French fries
Accused of: Causing energy loss.
Don’t care. Eating them.
9. Red meat
Accused of: Causes lethargy.
A nutritionist says eating red meat makes you lethargic. Ron Swanson says eating red meat makes you a man. Who are you going to believe here?
Accused of: Who cares?
Look in the mirror. You’re eating Tofu, bro. Now, kindly refer to the comments in the “Black Licorice” section.
11. Canned food
Accused of: Not increasing vitality, but there was also no mention of loss in vitality either.
What gives here? Why was this included? Aside from, ya know, how fun it is for nutritionists to shame gross people who eat canned foods.
12. Red wine
Accused of: Lowering inhibitions.
BAHAHAHAHA. That. Is. Literally. The. Point.
Accused of: Possible flatulence.
If you haven’t held in a stomach full of farts during sex or a blow job, I’d argue that you haven’t really lived. If the threat of gas never stopped you from eating something before, you shouldn’t start living in fear now.
14. Energy drinks
Accused of: Decreasing energy after an initial burst.
Let’s all be honest with ourselves here. Running out of steam during energy-drink-fueled sex isn’t going to be an issue. You’ll be done so quick that you’ll even have time to wash and wax your car before that two-thirty feeling kicks in.
Accused of: Possible Flatulence.
See: Oatmeal. Also see: Don’t care, bring it motherfucker.
So there you have it. Fifteen foods you should keep eating, especially before sex, because you’re a fucking man and you call the shots when it comes to matters of the dick. Just be smart about it. You don”t want to eat something that’ll make you shit the bed mid-fuck. That’s a turn off in most cultures.
[H/T Daily Mail]