I don’t like cats. I’m allergic to them, they don’t provide you with unconditional love and they’re moody as hell. One minute they’re rubbing up against your leg, the next they’re scratching up your sofa and giving you a smirk that says “Yeah, I know exactly what I’m doing so fuckkkk yewwwww.” Who wants a pet like that? Not me, that’s for sure…although if I were to get stuck owning a cat, I’d pick this “Gangsta Cat.” Why? Because he sounds like a complete asshole.
Over the weekend flyers like the one above began popping up around in Astoria, and in case you can’t read what it says because whoever took the photo intended it to be read by ants, here’s the full text:
I may not look like it, but I am one badass mother f*cker. I only accept petting when I feel like it. If you try to pet me when I’m not in the mood, I will hiss at a bitch. Because f*ck you, I do what I want.
You would too if you had it rough like me. My punk ass family abandoned me outside in subzero degree weather in a cat carrier, and then the animal shelter that was supposed to find me a home sent me to death row. I was saved by a nice cat rescue and am now kicking it at my foster home. But no one will adopt me because whenever I meet new people and they pet me, I hiss at them. I’m also old as hell (9 years). In cat years that’s way too old for any of this bullsh*t, so you’ll just have to understand why I’m a cranky old man.
Not cuddly enough for you? Then move along, son. There must be someone in all of New York who will appreciate a badass (and okay, sometimes sweet) cat who does not give a f*ck. Call my foster mom Rose at 646-XXX-XXXX if you want me to grace your couch with my little orange nutsack. Peace.
Granted, most people don’t want an asshole cat roaming around their house, but at least Gangsta Cat is upfront about it. No promises of being a pretty little kitty or a snuggle buddy, just a true story about a moody animal who can be nice on rare occasions. That’s my kind of cat; the kind who cuts the bullshit.
But yeah no that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go adopt him. I still don’t fuck with cats, even if they’re the realest.