If you Google “disgusting story about poop” you’ll come up with 526,000 results in .34 seconds, and considering that not everyone who has a traumatizing poop story feels the need to publish it onto the world wide web, I’m going to assume out of nowhere that at least 1 out of every 3 people has a poo-tastic tale worthy of reading. Everyone poops, so it makes sense that at least one of your dumps was memorable enough to talk about during dinner parties. I only have one question though, since none of my poops have been intense enough to deserve a narrative…
What the fuck are you people eating?
To which the answer is, in this case, “pumpkin seeds.”
My junior year of undergrad, I had a deplorable diet. Every now and then [the convenience store near my dorm] would get packages of pumpkin seeds, which I loved to eat while writing papers. One day when I was shopping I noticed that they had restocked. Since they were prone to running out quickly, I decided to go ahead and buy all of the pumpkin seeds they had. This in itself wasn’t bad. What was bad was
that in a fury of writing deadlines, I ate all of them. I had pumpkin seeds for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, as a midnight snack while doing research.
A day or so later, I noticed I hadn’t pooped in awhile. I was sitting in class and was feeling bloated and all around crappy and I felt like I might finally have to poop. So I left to go to the bathroom but as much as I strained, nothing came out. I wiped a little bit and examined and my poop looked white. Weird, I thought, not quite making the connection yet. The next I still hadn’t pooped despite several vigorous and painful attempts. I did a little “fishing” to discover what the problem was. What I found was pumpkin seed fragments. There was absolutely no fecal material. Just shards of pumpkin seeds. It felt like I was trying to poo wood chips. So I finally ventured off campus to a real store, CVS, and stocked up on everything I could think of to remove the chips. I bought laxatives, an enema, prunes, and lubricant. I tried the enema first, but the mass of pumpkin seeds was blocking my attempts to squirt anything up there. I then tried to lube my fingers and insert them, but moving the seed shrapnel only pushed them into my rectal wall (which hurt really really bad). I even got out my vibrator, turned it up to full speed,and pushed it on the skin above my anus, trying to shake the seeds loose. No luck. I eventually gave up, took 2x the recommended amount of laxatives and began to munch on the prunes. Then I waited.
Eight agony filled hours later, it was time. I put a sign up on the communal bathroom door that said I was sick and to please use the bathroom the next hallway over. Then I tried to push. It was so so painful and I was still struggling. I alternated between pushing and raking them out with my fingers. My abdomen felt awful so I got in the dorm shower and sat down (gross in its own right), aiming the stream of water at
my tummy. My muscles relaxed and I felt like I was about to blow up. I tried to bear down a little to see if I could scrape anymore out when the whole disgusting mass of pumpkin seed burst out of my ass and splattered across the shower wall. It was literally an explosion of pumpkin seeds, and it had about a 4 foot radius. Now mind you, there was absolutely no brown in this explosion, no shit. Just shards of seed and whole prunes. Needless to say I felt amazing after this and kind of sat there laughing like an insane person for a minute I was so relieved. It definitely reviled even the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had in terms of release. It was incredible. After I composed myself, I washed the walls of the shower and gathered up the discarded seed parts which all together were the size of a whole cantaloupe. Moral of the story: include some variety in your diet. Also, I’m gross.
I can understand eating fast food 3 times a day for 5 days a week. I can understand eating cruddy junk food like cake and ice cream for an entire 24 hours…but pumpkin seeds? Someone’s a sadist.