I’d venture to say that 97% of relationships between millennials nowadays meet their demise as a result of snooping on each other’s cell phones. There are just so many damn ways to get caught—Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Texting, E-mail—holy shit, the list is endless. While it’s pretty fucking laughable that humans allow such frivolous technologies to ruin “true love,” I gotta say I understand why it happens. Is there any bigger boner killer than seeing your girlfriend sending winky-emoticons to some random dude she met on Instagram? I think not, and while women don’t experience “boner killers” it still greatly upsets us to see such things.
This of course can all be avoided by simply not being a dick and refraining from flirting with other chicks over the Internet, but I’m a realist, and as such, I know that’s not going to happen. It’s almost like a biblical situation — I don’t know which one, (it probably has something to do with an apple hanging from a tree) — if it’s there, someone is going to grab it (usually that someone has a penis even though the story suggests the chick grabs it — how convenient). Moving forward, I’m not going to tell you how to conduct your mobile endeavors. It’s your phone and you can do what you want, however I think it’s important to know what exactly we ladies are looking at when we inevitably steal it from you. Let’s also make something clear here: I don’t care how old you are or how secure you are in your relationship. Every woman, everywhere, at one point or another has stolen a guy’s phone and gone through it.
Here’s what we’re looking at:
This is the most the obvious of all because well, most of these sites should simply be renamed to what they really are: “Ways to have meaningless sex with strangers and/or ways to objectify people based on physical appearance.” Imagine typing that in a search engine:
Whether it’s your girlfriend or just some chick you sleep with every other Tuesday and on federal holidays, she’s going to be checking all social media outlets: most specifically the messaging platforms. However, this doesn’t mean that she’s not going to check your search history (meaning who you’ve looked up), recently added/followed friends, liked posts, etc. Every move you’ve made on the Internet in the past 6 years, she’s going to want to know about it.
Why would a girl read your email? What can possibly be worth finding in there? Does she really want to see that I’ve pathetically paid for a PornHub subscription, or that I ordered a fountain soda machine on Amazon for $400.00 on a whim? No, she doesn’t want to see that shit. E-mail, especially when you’re a student, is a fantastic way to see what other girls you cohort with on campus by way of group projects/study sessions. Guys love to pull the line, “Babe, she’s just some girl in my class.” I’ve heard it countless times, from countless men, and believe me, she’s never just some girl, in some class. If she’s signing her e-mails, “xoxo” there’s no academic motive there…She’s either A) obsessed with Gossip Girl or B) someone you’ve neglected to tell that you’re in a relationship.
Now let me be clear when I say we are hoping to find texts from other girls. That’s the easiest way to catch you in a lie, but unless you’re a bona fide fucking moron, you have the wherewithal to delete those. In that instance, a girl isn’t just going to put down your phone — she’s going to keep reading, why? Because the bread and butter of male inboxes are what they say to they’re friends. You guys are worse than women. You discuss everything and quite publically may I add. I’m not sure why you’d keep a text that reads, “Dude, that girl at the bar last night was so fucking hot, I gave her my number,” but rest assured, some of you always manage to leave it wide open for your girlfriend to find.
Men are literal creatures and thus are notorious for saving contacts on their phone as such, “Stephanie Big Ass,” “Melanie Blow Job in Bar,” “Samantha Huge Tits L.A. Vacation.” I have seen it. I know you do this. I wish I were making this up, but that’s just not the case and as such, your contacts are a breeding ground for female scrutiny, paranoia, and insecurity. I have also known some men to use made up names for other girls. For example: Jackie = Jack, Brianna = Brian…you get the gist. Clever…but you’ll inevitably get caught when Jack (aka Jackie) texts you at 1:30 in the morning saying, “babe,” thus blowing your cover that she doesn’t have a dick—unless of course, Jack really is Jack and really does call you babe…and you like men.
We want to see if you have nudes. It’s pretty basic: if we see someone else’s genitalia on your phone—it’s not a good sign. It’s also not a good sign if we see your genitalia on your phone and know damn well we never received that picture. It means A) you take pictures of your penis for fun or b) you send them to other girls—in either event, shame on you.