The 5 Ways Girls Are Flirting With You…That 99% Of Bros Never Pick Up On

Flirting sucks. The only thing people flirting with each other ever achieves is a bunch of mixed signals and girls walking away thinking “I’m pretty sure that guy is actually Buffalo Bill…minus being in drag,” whereas guys walk away thinking “Yo, she definitely wants the D.” No one wins, and you wind up being known as “That guy who dressed like a lady from Silence of the Lambs that one time” to every girl within a 2 mile radius (assuming she has friends, of course). Mostly it’s because guys pick up on the wrong signals. A girl saying “Tehehe buy me a drink!” does not mean shit, it just means she wants a free drink. Who doesn’t? Oh, and saying something along the lines of “Nice shirt” really only means that she’s noticed that your Mom doesn’t buy your clothes for you from Kohl’s anymore. Which, for those of you who just read that and thought to yourself “What’s wrong with Kohls?”, please get up and carefully insert your head into a paper shredder…and now turn it on. Anyhoo, there’s a couple ways that us way-too-subtle women flirt with guys, and most of them go overlooked because, well, they’re really stupid. Here’s the worst.

1. Let’s do SHOTS.

Drinks are one thing, shots are another. One says “Okay cool you gave me free stuff now I’m going to run away kthxbiiii,” whereas the other says “I’m here to get FUCKED UP and hopefully make AWFUL life choices.” A girl doesn’t walk up to a guy and say “Wanna do shots?” unless the following is in mind:

1. Bangin’
2. Getting so drunk that she’s comfortable with throwing all preconceived notions of “taking it slow” to the wind
3. Bangin’

It’s really that simple. What’s even better is that you won’t necessarily have to pay for the liquor either, since most chicks realize that shots cost wayy more than mixed drinks, and it’d be kinda shitty to have someone blow $11 on two shots just to get ditched. You should definitely still pay for them of course, but the likelihood of her walking away from you  is much less likely.

2. Trying to talk to you about girly shit they care about, even if you don’t.

Does she actually think you give two flying fucks about what happened on The Bachelorette last night? Hell no, unless her IQ is the equivalent to a jar of potting soil…or you actually enjoy The Bachelorette. In which case all I have to say is…

But back to my point. The only reason she’s throwing around all these things she knows you don’t care about is because she’s trying to see if you’re interested in her. Does she think you tuned into Real Housewives last night? Obviously not, but if she starts spouting off random shit about last night’s episode and how “Like, omg, Shannon is such a desperate little slore,” and you managed to stay awake through her entire recap without killing yourself? It means you’re interested in her enough that you were willing to sit through a solid 5 minutes of bullshit you could’ve just walked away from. You, on the other hand, probably sat there thinking “Is listening to this worth the possible sex?”, and probably wound up running away. Don’t run away. Embrace The Real Housewives of Wherever. Those muppety looking women might just get you laid.

3. Not texting you…ever.

If you never get a text from a girl it’s probably a good thing. Why? Because it means she wants you to text her first, duh. It’s a really stupid power play that doesn’t get either of you anywhere because you’re both too stubborn to be the first to say something. How are you supposed to know this if she didn’t text you to let you know? Well this is where being psychic would come in handy, but since that’s probably not an option there’s actually this thing called educated guessing.

It’s a simple test, really. All you have to do is text her and then, depending on her response, you’ll know whether she’s not texting you because “go away” or because “omg please talk to me plzzZzzZz!!” Just use this nifty chart I spent about 5 minutes on in MS Paint if you ever have trouble figuring it out:

Ignoring my inability to make accurate x-axes, you should probably aim for the smiley face, or if you like to stick your dick into crazy then feel free to go for that last one there.

4. Saying “Oh no I don’t have any plans this weekend…” HINT HINT.

If she says she doesn’t have any plans, that’s a hint for you to MAKE plans with her, or at the very least invite her somewhere. Logically, she wouldn’t have mentioned she doesn’t have any plans if she didn’t want you to throw her something to do, right? And even if you asked her if she has plans and she gives you that response, she could’ve made something up and just spat that out instead of letting you know she has 0 plans and possibly 0 friends (just kidding, I have 0 plans next weekend and I have friends….I think). It’s not like she’s expecting you to hang out with her and watch Frozen all night, she’s more looking for something along the lines of “Well I’m going to the bar tonight, you should come it’ll be fun.” The point is that she’s now under the impression that you want to see her, which was what she was aiming for in the first place. And even if you don’t see her at the bar? Who cares, the point is that you invited her.

5. “Haha. Haha. HahahahaHAHAHAHAHAAA” in every. Fucking Text.

You know exactly what I’m talking about right now, don’t lie. That thing where every fucking text is started or ended with “haha” or “lol”? Yeah, it makes me want to blow my brains out because this following exchange:

You: Hey what are you up to tonight?
Her: Haha nothing lol

IT’S NOT FUNNY. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. That “haha” and “lol”? Those are just there to put you under the impression that she’s smiling and happy and there’s unicorns butt fucking on rainbows all over her face and that she’s excited to talk to you. She wouldn’t have included them if she wasn’t trying to come off as happy and gay-unicorn friendly, so don’t just blow those words off as filler. Well okay, they’re definitely filler. But they serve a purpose aside from making my skin crawl and my head explode whenever I read messages like that. It might be subtle and it might be stupid, but she’s throwin’ it in there because she likes you…or at least is thinking about liking you in the near future. Don’t fuck it up.