A Bro’s Guide To Buying His First Car And NOT Looking Like A Douchebag While Doing So



Getting your first car is one of those big adult rites of passage that everyone needs to go through, like paying taxes and getting a blow job while driving down the highway. It’s the thing that’s going to get you to work every day, unless you live in New York. If you live there, it’s an expensive status symbol you’ll attempt to run people over with on long road trips and vacations.

Buying a car is an arduous process, full of highs and lows, but mostly high prices and low bank account balances. You’ll be spending quite a lot of money, and you probably don’t have a ton of that right out of college, so it’s going to be more painful than a tooth extraction without novacaine. That said, nobody wants to deal with a douchebag, and it’s not going to help you get your car or keep people from judging you afterwards. You are not Leo in The Wolf Of Wall Street, so don’t try and act like it, recently graduated finance major working as someone’s coffee bitch at Goldman.


Don’t Lease A Damn Car
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If you can’t afford the payments, don’t buy the car. That’s the rule my dad gave me when we started looking. Cars can be a great way to show you’re doing okay and impress your Tinder dates, but you shouldn’t be getting in over your head. Leasing is a great way to say that you’re trying too hard and that you don’t care about your financial future, all at the same time. Sure, in some industries, it’s a “keeping up with the dickwads” thing, but that shouldn’t influence major financial decisions. Otherwise, you’ll be that guy who bought a condo and is leasing a Beamer with enough debt to make Greece balk at loaning you money.


This Isn’t Glengarry Ross
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You aren’t a high-powered salesman buying a mega-yacht, so when you go into your negotiations over the car, don’t act like millions are on the line. They aren’t, and you’ll just look petty as shit if you walk away from a deal over fifty bucks. Go in knowing what you need to know about the car, about your finances and about what you want. If you don’t get that, within reason, walk away, if not, make the deal. Don’t waste some poor sales rep’s time because you want to feel like Donald Trump at a homeless shelter. No one will think you’re an awesome deal master, they’ll just think you’re a gigantic prick.


Drive The Car You Need
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You don’t need a BMW M6 your first few years out of school. It’s likely your first new car, and you’ll probably tear it up like it got used for stunts on the latest Bond film. Stick with something low to mid-range, but max it out if you can. Get everything you want in the car because you’ll have it for at least six years or so. Better to get everything you want in a cheaper car than nothing you want in a high-end car. You’ll be much happier, and you won’t have to hand-crank your windows because you couldn’t afford the basic technology package. Nobody looks cool hand-cranking the windows of a sports car. This isn’t the 90s anymore.


Say No To Gigantic Trucks
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If you aren’t driving in monster truck rallies or actively hauling horses, cows or freight over state lines, you’re a douchebag if you buy a huge truck. Everyone will assume your truck size is inverse to your dick size, and no one wants to be the guy with the huge, battle rig of a  truck and the dick that you need an electron microscope and cryo EM signatures to get good images of. Girls, I guarantee it, much prefer you don’t try to substitute raw horsepower for personality. They can’t take that inside your house or apartment with them, and it isn’t a fitting replacement. Plus, nobody cuddles with a monster truck. Nobody.