There’s two ways a situation like this can go: horribly and horribly-er. The second option may not be a real word, but how else would you describe having to hold in a bout of raging diarrhea overnight…only to wake up and shoot poop outta your ass onto the woman who’s blowing you? You could say it’s “disgusting,” “traumatic” or “mentally scarring,” but it’s a Sunday and I don’t feel like using my brain. We’re gonna stick with horribly-er:
There’s a woman that I’ve been hanging out with a lot lately and apart from a cuddle and the occasional kiss here and there it has been very platonic thus far. I suppose her company is actually far more exciting than the prospect of anything sexual. I’ve never felt that way, and it’s an incredibly nice feeling. I’m enjoying my newly single life after a long relationship so I wasn’t really interested in pursuing a relationship, but this woman’s slowly filling my brain with these confusing thoughts and I’m thinking that I may want to consider something more. It’s important that you understand my thoughts over the last week – I really like her.
Last night, I head over to hers and we drank a few bottles of wine and had a good laugh, one thing led to another and our platonic relationship turned sexual. So we finish up, lay there, cuddled and fell asleep. 2 hours later, I’m awoken by a rumble in my tummy. I can tell it’s going to be diarrhea, but she was laying on me and I was too embarrassed to wake her up only to bomb her toilet, so I decide to suck it up and hope that my body absorbs all that excess liquid in my poo by the time we actually wake up.
So this morning, we wake up and laid there having a lovely conversation which lasted for an hour or two and through it all I can feel gas building up within me. I couldn’t let it out. Not when this girl that I like so much is sharing this incredible moment with me. I persistently block any gas from escaping all while she’s laying on my chest running her fingers over my body and moving down to my loins. Some mouth to rod business is conducted and as this is going on, I’m really trying hard to enjoy it because that pesky gas was becoming harder and harder to contain.
Then she gets me to climax.
That beautiful moment was accompanied by a sound….a loud “FFFWWWWIIIIIPPPP!” sound echoed in the room, almost as if a really bad trumpet player was in the room with us. Filled with embarrassment, I try to shift my body away, but as I did this, that trumpet player sound seemed to be interrupted by an angry mob flinging rotten fruit at him. The force of my flatus fired a spray of barely digested butt nuggets all over the bed and on this woman’s chest. I’m laying there absolutely mortified, my eyes were bigger than Godzilla’s balls and she is laying there beside my balls, gagging with my wasted seed and shit all over her.
Anyway, we cleaned up the mess and she tried to make me feel really comfortable about the whole situation and kept me around for a few more hours, tried to feed me things for my upset tummy and told me all sorts of funny embarrassing stories of her own to make me feel better. I doubt you’d care about this bit, but I just thought it was really nice of her. I still cringe so much thinking about what happened, but on the plus side she seems like a keeper.
TLDR: I got head and shat on the bed
You’d think that the girl he literally shat the bed with would never talk to him again after that – but in a testament of what has to be true love, Redditor nonononoshitshitshit posted an update:
Well, we’ve been together this whole time and many of you suggested that I marry her. So that’s what’s happening. In June. Besides the shit that went down on that fateful day, being around her has been an absolute blast and we haven’t been happier.
Just thought I’d share some happiness that came out of a thoroughly crappy situation.
Titanic my ass – this is a love story meant for the ages.