Marriages end every day, but usually there isn’t someone on hand to document it for the entire world to see…on Twitter…like this guy did.
And thank goodness he did, because this is hands-down one of the most goddamn amazing things you will ever read.
My buddy left his laptop open and his wife saw his bovada screen. He's currently drinking at Applebee's and she's on the phone with daddy.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
She's southern baptist and her dad is a literal minister. He told her he doesn't drink or gamble. This is not good for him.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
He has reestablished contact. His contention is that he did nothing wrong because he pays all the bills and his account is up. Yikes.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Update: he has doubled (tripled?) down and is asserting that he "only said he HAD stopped gambling, not that he WOULD stop." Holy. Shit.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
While at the bar, he locked in some second half NBA picks. Still waiting for tangible updates but apparently Applebees has 2-1 drinks
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Her father is currently headed to HIS house (he owned it pre-marriage.) His catholic dad is advising him not to go home. This got real.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
The fact that I'm the voice of reason on this is somewhat concerning since, you know, he's the married one who's allegedly mature. pic.twitter.com/ridSImCehM
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I think we've hit a breakthrough people. Clearly he wasn't in the mood for situational humor. pic.twitter.com/wJCXtUA9ys
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
This just went sideways. I'm literally live tweeting a divorce now. This is going downhill at an incredible rate. pic.twitter.com/w06zNHqQRp
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Rich is the father in law. I was unaware of this story. This is not good. pic.twitter.com/CPdIWwUiIG
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
(So you guys don't think I'm a bad person there are two people currently racing to the Applebee's to grab him because obviously) pic.twitter.com/RdiD1B4bES
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
This is one of those times you consider giving up drinking so as to ever be THIS guy. pic.twitter.com/sepxAIKLlk
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Rerouted the boys. This fucker decides all of a sudden he wants to listen to now expires advice. pic.twitter.com/v8GZ3rXk8E
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
My crisis management skills are on point today. pic.twitter.com/afcFXbvrqz
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
This is a good development. Estimates put the sane smart ones getting to his house before him. pic.twitter.com/KKTksSL2BW
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Your groomsmen are your fucking groomsmen for life, regardless of how inconvenient or "this is a god damn felony" it may be. pic.twitter.com/xnfPqW5xpB
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I don't know if any of you are still even up or following this but I just got off the phone with one of the boys and there's an update…
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Apparently so. So they got our good friend back to a safe place and of course he got violently ill cc: @Applebees 2-1 drinks
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Rather, the type of drunken outburst that pits the drunk guy against his 270+ lb D3 football linebacker rescuer
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Both of the rescuers utilized every available method (calm persuasion, restraint, bargaining) to calm him down, but to no avail
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
As it was related to me, regrettably, our hero (anti-hero?) screamed, spittle and bulging neck/head veins included, that one or both
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Of our fair rescuers, the real heros of this story ( besides me, QBs earn rings) were, I kid you not, because drunk people are stupid
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Trying to "fuck his angelic baptist wife, even though her dad is a raging cunt nugget"
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Fast forward through the denials and awkward bargaining and Husband decides to throw the only punch I've ever heard of him throwing
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Directly into the face of enormous former D3 LB. Inexplicably, not 180lb not D3 LB guy, which would have seemed like way smarter
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
(Editorial note that this is over the phone so I'm trying to relay it honestly)
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Apparently good old Mike let him get several shots into his face before deciding he was done with that nonsense and picked him up
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
And "tossed" (distance unverified) him across the room. Hubby hit the floor, sprung up, stumbled forward, and swung, apparently convincingly
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Apparently, this was ill received, and resulted in our protagonist getting absolutely demolished, via a BRUTAL right hook to his face
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Wife's best friend married into our friend group. I was a groomsman at the wedding. On phone with her husband. Stand by.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Oh man this is good (bad, but like entertaining.) Update incoming.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
And we're back. (Oh fuck this is tough to condense, please cut me some slack)
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Father in law was so offended Husband didn't come home he WOKE UP HIS PREVIOUS DIVORCE ATTORNEY for a consult
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
FIL was not a southern baptist until he met brides mom. Then he went "balls deep", saw the light, etc, and became a man of god
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Allegedly there's something funky with his family and monetizing religion but no real details. He's got family money in stacks apparently
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
So, wife prepping for divorce with no income and hospitality management bachelors degree. Wife has apparently started drinking per friend
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Now give me a little wiggle room here because I'm not Buzzfeed and I like to get facts close to accurate
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Husbands phone has been blowing up since he was "put to bed" (he's breathing and responsive so calm down.) He also hasn't changed
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
His password since senior year of college, because it's still his birth year. Rescue team scrolled through his text and call log
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Several texts and voicemails, all from wife's number, but all the dad. Starting innocuous and escalation to "Hannibal on a fucking warpath"
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Texts and voicemails reinforce the intel that wife is pursuing a financially detrimental divorce. But wait. Because this part gets weird
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Do we all remember 180lb non linebacker guy? (He sent the update texts and didn't punch hubby in the face?)
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
He now becomes important. Very much so. Let me try and explain why.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Our friend group has used the same lawyer several times, (referral bonus?) This gentleman did their prenup as well
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
From my understanding, it was a VERY specific prenup designed to protect both their family money (must be nice, ammirite?)
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
So, 180lb guy (he's Chris, that's his name) did the smart thing. He didn't wake hubby or respond to the texts/calls. He called the lawyer
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
This is debatably smart, because it's definitely an escalation. But hey, ride or die, right? pic.twitter.com/HN8q7pLOKY
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Chris, in protective ride or die mode, wakes up the consigliere (that's what we called him.) he gave him the rundown, the threats from the
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Voicemail that her dad left. Item by item, including the attorneys name that her dad was stupid enough to leave on the voicemail
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
At this point, we probably could have cooled down until morning. Let the adults sort it out with cooler heads and sober minds. But…
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
HOWEVER, husbands father was concerned he hadn't heard from his son since he was at the @Applebees (real talk this is all your fault)
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
He went though the list and finally got to Chris, and Chris broke down the whole night from Applebee's to now (45 mins ago)
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Inexplicably, he included Mike knocking his son unconscious twice, but hey, tell your own story I guess
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Once Hubs Dad was briefed on the situation, he apparently went off the god damn deep end, like, DEFCON 1, spouting about the family etc
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Papasan, enraged that the "baptist fuckstrumpet" (he said it 4 years ago, it's still funny) was trying to gut his family, called consigliere
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
This poor dickhead now has gotten called twice in hour from panicked parties, not related to the issue directly, demanding he mobilize
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
From here, I lose the ability to offer detail. I know consigliere and Daddy's attorney have made contact, and I know it can't be pretty
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I guess you animals got lucky. Fresh text update from Chris. pic.twitter.com/YOgH6gh95b
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Chris appears to have had it with babysitting duty pic.twitter.com/sSoClCt4oU
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Guys, he's PISSED. I can't stop laughing because I'm a bad person. D might catch a beating in the morning. pic.twitter.com/MFVIKZhI4C
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I can't condone the language but guys, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. pic.twitter.com/zPcgndYHJS
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
We have officially reached the end of the narration as far as I know for tonight. Unfortunately, I think we're done. I do have bonus details
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Do you monsters want the bonus details?
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Well fine. Bonus detail time.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
The "anti gambling southern baptist" had her $13k engagement ring paid for by a gambling trip went on in AC
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I know this because I was on the trip, at the table with him, counting cards with him
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
She was in the room, pretending like we were outlet shopping or saving endangered shore birds from Chris Christies Appetite
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
We didn't even get caught that day. We got caught 2 days later, drunk as shit, down like 2400 between us, "counting cards"
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
At the rehearsal dinner, D and her dad had to be pulled apart. By SIX FUCKING GROOMSMEN. It's not that we had 6, it's that we NEEDED 6
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Her parents invited her HS bf to the endgame to dinner and sat him at the head table. Next to the best man. Any guess who that was?
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Her HS BF, to his credit, the captain of the HS wrestling team, got tanked on tequila at the rehearsal dinner. Like, Hasselhoff drunk
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
This is the reason I get to put a finger down for "never have I ever tossed a wedding guest over a table at a rehearsal dinner"
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
The fact that I got to live tweet the end of this relationship is appropriate. However, tomorrow will be entertaining to be sure
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Hahaha. Brutal. pic.twitter.com/4pCVhrHZNm
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Guys, D is a bad unwilling houseguest.. pic.twitter.com/ZQk9IhF0YE
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I should probably be asleep but Chris' character development is just too great at this point pic.twitter.com/gZ5DZmBdDn
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Our hero is awake ( as am I) and he is having a moment of reflection this morning. pic.twitter.com/0iZ0cRTUoh
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Unsurprisingly, our protagonist's father is not pleased with his son's life choices pic.twitter.com/nww3dfv0JD
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Your wife blocking you on Facebook probabaly isn't that bad right? pic.twitter.com/RpARpUs9f5
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I had to do it guys, I just couldn't help myself. pic.twitter.com/VRHdBLS9I0
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Free money pick from our favorite hero. Still no contact with his wife. pic.twitter.com/BpoR6gdyFq
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
We're in a slow patch. Chris is forcing our favorite degenerate to clean his rug and couch from last night.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
I've seen this asked a few times, they are both 27 and have no children.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Apparently our favorite degenerate has recovered and is feeling emboldened. I foresee this plan going poorly. Like, bay of pigs poorly. pic.twitter.com/YhMHLRvpkc
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Oh boy. Also, let's take a second to notice which one he seems more upset about.. pic.twitter.com/WFVulBIh7U
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Just got off the phone. My buddy went home and Winston was curled up in the living room asleep. His wife and her stuff, however, are gone.
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 11, 2016
Update: Neither of them have spoken directly since the incident. They are communicating through lawyers, however they sitting down this week
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 12, 2016
Update: Neither of them have spoken directly since the incident. They are communicating through lawyers, however they sitting down this week
— Lord Single Malt (@Singlemaltfiend) December 12, 2016
The End.
Wow.
H/T TFM