8 Reasons Why All Guys Need To Buy Scented Candles

Hey Bro, candles are the shit.

You never think about ‘em because you only see ‘em in commercials with doilies and sensitive lady stuff around. Those obscenely feminine images may taint your opinion of them, but candles were actually made precisely to fit your needs.

Candles have a myriad of functions that can assist your life in ways you never even remotely considered. And they’re easy as hell to get your hands on. And there are more reasons to grab up that Vanilla-Lavendar Silk special than there were opportunities for you to get laid last week. So take the advice.

Because you’re lazy and cleaning is hard

Even if you clean, keeping a nice-smelling pad is difficult. And you and I both know you only clean when getting laid is on the line. Well, even if you’re a crappy cleaner candles can help you hack your way to a fresh-smelling living space. Just grab Linen or Lemon Grass and thank me later.

Good scents are healthy for you

No matter what a doctor can do with medicine, your frame of mind can work wonders beyond scientific understanding for healing your body. A nice scent can improve your general disposition and relieve stress after a hard day at that bullshit work-study job. Trust me, it’s science, son.

Your nanky gym clothes could kill your pulling potential

I could easily tell you to just do your laundry. But Grand Theft Auto V ain’t gonna play itself. And how else are you gonna cool down after a good pump? Just light up a candle and let it run for a few hours to mask the more intense aspects of your ass sweat.

Some smells turn girls on

If you didn’t already know this then how the fuck did you manage to lose your virginity? You wear cologne when you wanna smell good, don’tcha? Why didn’t you think to use this idea on THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE? No one is saying you need to get some cherry-pomegranatious or some other ridiculous business straight out of Ye Olde Candle Shop. But, you know, get a candle that you actually like and burn it regularly. That way, every time a girl smells it on you or at your place, she’ll do some mental associating. Maybe send a snapchat. A good snapchat.

Masks your dump stank

You know why lighting a match works to lessen the odoriferous agony of your ass grass nast, right? Take that same science of burning up the gassy air to the next level by letting the candle burn away the foul and replace it with pleasantness.

They’re cheap as hell

You don’t need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond to get one of those $50 jobbies with the cursive font label you can barely read. Just go to the dollar store. They’ll have a little section of ‘em you can raid with some couch change.

Way better than that scented burning oil malarkey

Burning scented oil is the next big thing in scentworld. The problem is you still burn candles to release the aromas. Little ones. Lots of little ones. You may as well just get a real candle and stop trying to play Mr. Fancypants.

Incense sets off ‘weed paranoia’ of your nosey neighbors

If you like to smoke down, don’t use incense. EVERYONE that smokes down uses incense. So the first thing any of your paranoid-ass neighbors is gonna think when they smell incense is that you’re smoking weed. Don’t give ‘em the chance. Freak ‘em with a strong Citrus bouquet that will pivot their opinion of you while you run through your smoke like you’re filming a ‘Pineapple Express’ sequel.