How do men shop for Halloween? Bros, Halloween isn’t just a holiday where you ogle girls. Even though everyone is ogling girls, they’re the ones who are picking you out of the crowd, not the other way around. In college, Halloween is a three day drinking marathon and you better have something different each night. Panicking yet? Through exhaustive research (and if I’m being honest, four years of breaking all these rules and coming home with nothing), here are my rules for how to have a great Halloween costume.
1. Be funny at all costs.
Any woman worth knowing loves funny guys. I mean, who wants to go out with someone without a sense of humor? No one. As a man, you can’t just take off all your clothes and wait. You have to show through your costume that you are a funny guy. Like puns? Who doesn’t! Put a bunch of cereal boxes on your shirt, grab a fake knife and you’re now a cereal killer. Groan. However, most girls will at least politely giggle. Think of what makes you laugh and how you can convey that in a costume.
2. Consider your audience.
You know that super obscure TV show that you love but no one else watches? Don’t dress as that one recurring background extra that no one knows about, you’ll seem like a pretentious douche. Do something people can get, or else you’re gonna see a lot of scrunched up judgy faces from girls coupled with a sneer “What are you supposed to be?” They aren’t going to listen to your overly-long answer, they just wanted to let you know that you failed at Halloween. This doesn’t mean trot out the same costumes over and over again, it just means make sure people are gonna know who you are or if they ask, you’ll have a fun joke ready.
3. Think before you show skin.
Tell that to the nearly naked guy dressed only in underwear. Yes, you might lose a girl to the guy dressed as an Abercrombie & Fitch model even though your “one night stand” costume idea (where you dress as a nightstand) has gotten all the compliments. However, when you look like that, you don’t need my help. Just take it off and girls will flock. It’s time to take a really hard, introspective look at yourself in the mirror. Are you a guy who people want to see in nearly nothing in public? Running has given me muscular legs but a small upper body. I should not go as The Situation from Jersey Shore. Putting on Heisenberg’s whitey tighties would’ve been funny, original and appropriate three years ago. Now, half the guys at any given party will have a Breaking Bad costume. The point is, show some skin only if you have some good features to show off. Lead with your best assets.
4. Don’t go store-bought.
Bros, come on. You don’t need to phone it in. Have you ever gone costume shopping since you were a kid? If you have, you’d know that prices are ridiculous on these things. Without fail, they also are really uncomfortable and only able to be worn once. As men, we have the burden of needing to look like we came up with a costume quickly while also having it be the best costume ever. Having this elaborate get-up will get you in the door, but you’ll be bested within a second by the guy who stole one of Jim Halpert’s patented low maintenance, high yield costumes (Facebook costume, Office fans?).
5. Don’t recycle.
I’ve done the whole Risky Business thing twice and it’s definitely gotten stale around my friends. Hint: If it’s mass produced, there are gonna be at least three other guys wearing it better than you. Don’t be one in a long line of Walter White costumes. Don’t be a cowboy every year just because you bought a cowboy hat when you were drunk at that one country concert. Your costume is your pick up line, don’t let your pick up line be “I’m lazy and unimaginative. You have nice boobs. Wanna hook up?” No Bro, she won’t.
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