D.C.: Hey Becca (or Rebecca, whatever).
I've got a question. It's one I think I have the correct answer to, but who knows? I may be wrong (not likely). Say I'm about to fuck a girl for the first time. Like our shirts are off and it is on. I want to know how long you ladies expect us gentleman to last. I think we both know that you cumming is off the table. You aren't comfortable enough to tell me to clutch your left ass cheek while I lick the middle third of your box. And frankly, I'm not really interested in getting technical the first time I screw. Or take direction for that matter. I feel like I should be in charge the first time we do it. But with you cumming off the table (you don't really think it should be on the table, do you?), how long do you want me to last? Should I make a good faith effort to stretch it out as long as possible? Will it bother you if I ejaculate after four minutes? Like I said, I know the answer to how long I should last, but I want to hear what you have to say first.
Rebecca Martinson (BM): Well David, I agree that you making the girl cum is 100% off the table, since for that to happen the guy would have to know what the fuck he's doing. Let's be real here, if you don't know how long you should last then we probably met each other 20 minutes before last call at a club or some shit and we're both taking the last train home available before we're both stranded alone and horny for the rest of the night. So assuming that despite however many times I told you my name was Rebecca and you keep calling me Rachel, and assuming that my fingers are crossed that I'm not going to wind up with my ankles tied and bound upside down to some weird BDSM shit you keep in your basement with a secret entrance, I'd say anything over 3 minutes is about par for the course. Keep it below 8, though; I don't fucking know you and the only reason to last that long is that you're trying to give me your AIDS in some weird disease-fantasy you write fan fictions on in your spare time. BUT, if I tell you to fucking pull my hair then don't gimme some boring-ass anemic tug and mention later that you skip arm day every day because you don't work out, you better pull until I scream or at least lose a couple clumps. Take some decent direction here, but nothing too technical like “Now lift my leg and you stand on your head while I drink a bottle of Cherry Gatorade and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.”
D.C.: Why do girls love getting their hair tugged? Seriously, the last five girls I've all had sex with have asked me to yank their fucking hair and I'm all for it but like, I … scalp damage? It worries me. I don't get it at all. I don't like being scratched, bit or hit. And really, you're fine with me going for three minutes the first time we fuck? I assume if I do anything under five, you'll think I have a terrific inability to last and you'll never fuck me again. That's why the first time I strive for the seven to ten minutes. Allows us to get almost three minutes at each of the three major positions (top, bottom, doggie). Don't tell me eight is too much. Nine is a borderline perfect game. But I actually wasn't talking about a one-night stand. I was referring to a girl I plan on having sex with repeatedly. If it's a one-night stand, where I plan on never touching you again, I'll cum whenever I want. Which always makes me wonder, why do women have one-night stands? What's in it for you other than getting that 15th dick in your mouth (because we both know you'll go down), some tepid sex and a vanilla latte in the morning (if I'm feeling generous)?
BM: Well, unless you're beating me in the head with a crowbar at the same time you're pulling my hair, I don't think we need to worry about scalp damage. As for the “why,” it's fun getting your hair lightly pulled when you're just laying around, and since sex is a more rigorous activity it's only logical that the hair pulling should escalate to fit the mood. And if this is supposed to be a booty call sort of scenario, then of course it lasts more than three minutes, anything less than five is embarrassing. I'd say seven is the sweet spot, but nine is pushing it. I came over for a quickie, not to spend almost the length of an entire episode of Robot Chicken with your dick stuck in me. I've got shit to do too y'know, those episodes of The Bachelorette on my DVR won't watch themselves, and I can't spend all day waiting for you to bust just because you're overanalyzing whether or not you've spent enough time hammering away at my vag.
As for one night stands, it's sort of a “Well why the fuck not?” situation. There's a 50/50 chance that you might actually do something semi-right when it comes to screwing my brains out (I always pick heads when I flip my skank quarter), and in the morning I can usually get away with stealing a pair of boxers that I can wear around my house wheneverthefuck I feel like it. So basically in the worst situation, I get a pair of (hopefully) cool boxers, and in the best case, you potentially get me off.
DC: Are you really that poor? Boxers cost about nine dollars for a pair of three. I will buy you some so you don't need to steal clothes. You are going to be an adult soon. But then it's settled. Seven minutes is the perfect time to last. Now if only most guys actually could.
[Sex image via ShutterStock]