Hey, quick: What’s the manliest thing you’ve done this fucking year? Come on, pussy. It’s fucking August. AUUUGUST. You should be able to roll off a litany of shit you did that make the legs of lesser Bros (the pansies!) turn to quivering gelatin as the phrases come out your mouth. Saved a baby. Fought the Islamic State with nothing but a pair of brass knuckles taped to your dick. Saved another baby.
But all you got is you had some sex with a girl from Tinder?
Shaking my head at you, for your absurd lack of masculine things you’ve done with your life this year.
You want to know the most beastly dude brah thing I did this year?
I built a fucking table.
You wanna see it? I know you do, but be careful. Looking at this fucking handiwork will cause an awe-induced bit of precum to dribble out your penis, and then you’ll have to add “accidentally ejaculated while reading a blog post” to your list of ‘NOT FUCKING MANLY SHIT’ you did this year.
It’s a long fucking list.
Look at this shit.
That ain’t even a nice table. I slapped it together because I was fucking bored one Saturday. You know how long it took me? About three hours all told (including the sex I had between going to the lumber yard and putting the thing together). You know how much it cost me? Ninety fucking bucks. You know how goddamn great it feels to drink fucking whiskey off a table you built your fucking self?
Well, Jesus was a carpenter, but they didn’t have bourbon back then, so basically the feeling is like being like Jesus, only better and drunker and more manly.
So build yourself a goddamn table.
You will only need four or six things depending on how you count: Beer; A general idea of what you want your table to look like and something faintly resembling a design; wood; a drill; and things from the hardware store.
And someone to have sex with on it after it’s done.
Let’s break it down.
Beer: You can’t build things without beer.
A general idea of what you want your table to look like and something resembling a design: This bullet point about what you want your table to look like can best be summarized as “what you want you to look your table like.” I, unfortunately, cannot do this for you. Ask yourself some fucking table-related questions. Would you like your table to look old or new? Do you want it to be chair height or counter height or bar height? What color do you want your legs to be? What shape do you want it? Man, this is all like some grade school shit. Basically, remember when you learned what a table was? Use that knowledge to come up with something you think is a table. Boom. You go.
But how to put it together? Well, there are all sort of “how to build a table” blog posts all over the internet and I’d be lying if said I didn’t look at some of them. You should look at them, too. They’ll help you learn, but most all of them require a lot of bullshit. Let’s be honest with ourselves. This isn’t faux rustic Brooklyn build a table play along time. This is building a table like a man time. So fuck a lathe, fuck a plane, fuck a Filson shirt that you’ve never actually worn to chop wood. You don’t need that bullshit. You need four legs. A top. Maybe a skirt for support.
Don’t fret. This ain’t a damn cold fusion experiment that if you mess up will create a miniature black hole that will suck up the entire Earth. If you fuck up, you can pull shit apart and try it again. If it wobbles a bit, you can glue a shim to the bottom of a leg. If it looks a little sloppy, just keep telling people it isn’t finished yet. We aren’t looking for perfection, just something you can sit at and drink at and won’t collapse when you fuck on it (Sandpaper. Add sandpaper to your list).
Wood: Wood is everywhere. The forest, the trees, the scrapyard. the lumberyard, the table of your neighbor’s that you could have just as easily stolen in the time it’s taking you to read what is essentially a pointless entry into the table building internet sphere. I went to a reclaimed lumberyard for mine (because I live in Brooklyn) and dug around in a shitton of piles for a while until I found things that worked (I sexted a girl the whole time I was doing it!). I wanted really weathered looking planks with cool things in them. Notches. Character. That’s about it. For legs, I wanted things about the size of 4 x 4s. But man, don’t look at me. This is your fucking table. Tom’s table. Say it with me. This is Tom’s table. Fuck yea it is.
Things from the hardware store: Angle braces? Screws? More beer? Do they sell beer at the hardware store? You would think they would. You are definitely going to need some screws. That’s how you attach wood to wood. And if you don’t own a drill, this is a perfect excuse for you to buy one. Every man should have a drill that they can use to do manly drill things with. Hang pictures for women. But what you get from the hardware store really depends on what you got at the wood store. Did you get one solid slab for your table top? Well then, you don’t need things to hold separate planks together. Would some metal angles under keep you from putting screws through the top? Fuck yea, they would. How about some wood glue for extra stability? Fuck that. Wood glue’s for bitches.
Now it’s time to get to the awesome part.
Building A Goddamn Table Yourself Like The Mother Fucking Man You Are: Crack a beer. Pop an Adderall, maybe do some cocaine. Call a girl who you are occasionally screwing to come over, so you can have sex in front of all these sexy lumber pieces and construction tools you now have in your apartment.
Girl: Ohh, what’s that for?
Man (You): Nothing. I’m just building a table because I am a god and can use tools correctly, which should make you properly infer that I have sperms so virile they make Michael Phelps look like a refrigerator tossed into a lake.
What you want is the appropriate mix of hopped the fuck up and kinda buzzed. After that, there’s not a lot of instruction I can give you here. If you’re planning on using a condom, put that on. Try some foreplay. Oral sex? I have done that before and ladies really seem to like it. Sometimes before I take their underwear off, I do like a little oral sex over the panties. It’s great man. It’s great.
Then, you know, just go for it. Try not to come to early and be sure to jangle the clit. It should be fun, man. Not stressful at all.
Oh right. The table. I dunno, After they leave, screw all the shit together or some shit. The legs go in the corners. Make sure it stands up. Test it out. After it’s done, call her back up.
Bask in your manliness while you wait to get laid again.
It’s great, ain’t it?