Kids Have It Freakin’ Made These Days, Are Getting 14 Bucks A Pop From The Tooth Fairy

Look, I know a dollar ain’t what it used to be, and a nickel won’t get you a bowl of soup no more, but I’m about to drop some damn heat on you about the spoiled brats at the top of the one percent who will eventually grow up and control America’s wealth and continue to reap the benefits of a system that intentionally makes the rich richer while oppressively crushing the poor.

Kids in New York City are getting almost $15 a tooth from the tooth fairy. Fifteen fucking bucks. L.A. isn’t much more different. Kids there are getting a Hamilton. What has this world come to? Used to be, back in my day, us kids would be happy with anything shiny: a dime, a quarter, a safety pin polished to a nice glean. Didn’t matter. Tooth fairy doesn’t carry SCRATCH, you know what I mean?

Apparently, she does in America in 2015, where $225 million was given to kids last year. Kids who don’t know what the fuck to do with it, who won’t invest it in real estate. All that shit went straight to the bubble gum and Pog industry.

I got a dollar and liked it. But a study by Sunstar Gum found that inflation in the kids’ bedroom is a real, real thing. The price of what a child gets now for, I remind you doing literally nothing but age as a human, has not seen a decline since 1999.

Back then, a dollar was the mean across the land. Americans worked hard and their wealth was a precious thing. Taught their kids the same lesson. Now, thanks to the tech boom and the false wealth created in the stock market and the perpetual need for new Apple products, it’s shot up to $4.36.

We are a consumption nation and it will bite us in the ass eventually.

Keep in mind, that’s average. So for every real American shilling out a buck, there’s someone giving eight. And for anyone getting a quarter, which people still do, the tooth fairy on the Upper East Side is doling out $10.

Fucking the stock market, brah. It’s making rich people richer. Now, their kids, too. Who will one day be our overlords, so I guess it’s whatever.