Poor Man Needs Your Help In Exacting Vengeance On Dirtbag Who Took A Dump On His Tesla

There are plenty of assholes in Chicago, but this Tesla owner is desperately searching for one specific asshole that committed a tasteless act of villany.

Michael is the proud owner of a Tesla Model X and had a rather bad experience. Instead took the time to create a Craigslist ad, which has since been deleted, to find this monster.

I am writing this message to anyone that might have been in Lakeview Thursday night around 9pm. Specifically I am looking for anyone who was by Stratford and Broadway, which was where my car was parked.

Obviously I have a large degree of humility when writing this because I am seeking people out here to see if anyone has any information about who may have taken a gigantic shit on the windshield of my brand new Tesla Model X.

Sorry, wish I could help, but I only know of someone who took a medium-sized shit on the windshield of a brand new Tesla Model X.

This is not a joke.

Of course not. Shitting on someone’s windshield is nothing to joke about.

Now I know a lot of people might find this funny but my date was really traumatized by the whole thing and I have zero leads. What’s more, the CPD “absolutely refused” to help me, a tax paying citizen, clean the shit off of my car. But they obviously didn’t hesitate to tell me I could not drive with the poop on my windshield because it would obstruct my visibility. I had to use a redeye magazine and a bottle of water to clean it off and that sucked.

Now the cops are on his shit list. How dare those police officers not be your personal servant and clean off dookie from your vehicle. I mean Chicago is absolutely crime-free and cops should definitely be spending their time wiping down feces-covered windshields.

I was on a date with a girl, one who was very conservative.

Like was her hard stances on Planned Parenthood and immigration causing her to not appreciate the huge dump on the car? But if she was a Bernie Sanders supporter then she would have been down with the brown?

It was our third date and when we walked out, sure enough we saw that someone had taken a very large shit on my windshield comprised of two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers.

“Third date,” more like “turd date.” You have to appreciate the attention to detail by Michael. He really paints a picture here, a shitty picture, but a picture nevertheless. Now investigators can eliminate public poopers who have liquidy porridge shits.

Pee was not visible leading me to believe that *perhaps* someone had shit in a container at home and then threw it on my car later.

A plausible conspiracy theory is introduced.

I am looking for solid intelligence in regards to anyone who might have seen anything.

I think the “solid evidence” is on your windshield.

However I will plan on ruling out you with DNA for I have kept a sample of the shit for I can see someone trying to pull another fast one on me. And trust me, that is not going to happen.

Well Michael showed the serial shitter that shit just got real. If he or she thinks about dropping a deuce on his Tesla again, he has the original turd, probably in his fridge, to convict the criminal on multiple ass dumpling attacks. They must be shitting bricks now.

Do not reply with a car type you think you saw or a suggestion. I am writing this to someone who saw something in particular or perhaps, someone who indeed knows the person who pulled this stupid joke on me. As for the latter, if you were willing to leak the name of the person who did this, I promise you that I would spare you of all legal charges and physical retaliation.

But didn’t Michael already say that they only took a crap and didn’t take a leak?

People need to stop pinching loaves on this man’s car. I think that gas prices plummeting to $1.49 per gallon is enough torture for this Tesla owner.