How To F*ck With Couples On Valentine’s Day

Fuck. all. that. crap.

Do people actually read those identical articles? Love is in the air today. What it’s like bird flu? Is everyone else a couple ? Yes. You are alone because you have jaundice. How to handle Valentine’s Day solo? Drink liquor like a normal person. Want to have the best Valentine’s Day for under $45? Cook at home. Did you really need BuzzFeed to tell you that? Are you missing several pieces of your brain stem?

You’re not gonna get that shit here today. Because here we like to have fun. And as much as we love fun, we hate happy people. More than arch cramps. No one deserves to go through life all blissfully skippy and content. Do you even know how many people died in Somalia while you were reading that sentence?

I don’t either, but it’s not important. It’s the metaphor you should take from that. Or not. Whatever. We are getting off track. Here’s your Meeting Girls on Metro guide to sabotaging happy couples today.

Ask individuals what their boyfriend or girlfriend has planned. Respond with tepid enthusiasm.

“She rented out the National Cathedral so you two could have a private worship service? That’s okay, I guess.”

“He shipped over tulips from Amsterdam because they you love them? Alright.”

“She’s grilling your favorite steak? Not hard to work a kitchen.”

Nothing causes people to hyperventilate more than others not sharing the excitement they have. They suddenly begin to doubt the awesomeness of what they just shared. You’ll have boyfriends and girlfriends snipping at each other before the steak tartare appetizer they splurged on arrives.

Create at a fictional significant other. Always one up.

“Your boyfriend reserved a private booth at one of the best Italian restaurant downtown? Mine bought me Florence. So yea. Now we own Florence. And all of the food in it. But I hear that place makes it pizza dough with real Italian flour.”

Nothing eats at people more than hearing about others having it better. That’s the only reason we strive in life. Invent Awesome McBoyfriend X and you’ll have couples fighting the night away. Super double bonus points if your fake girlfriend can get someone to call their significant other immediately.

“Yea, Brent, my coworker said Cupid, CUPID, the actually naked angelic flying baby, is playing harp at her dinner. Why didn’t you reserve him for me?”

Fake a call from the owner of a bed and breakfast.

This one is easy and diabolical. All you need is to pretend you own a charming Victorian in the foothills of the local mountains. Call one person from the couple you want to drive a spike through, and pretend you are trying to reach the other.

“Hi, this is Andrea with Calming Creek Thunder Bed and Breakfast. I’m trying to reach Mr. Hanrahan, but he wasn’t answering his phone.”

“That’s okay, this is his girlfriend.”

“Oh, excellent Ms. [insert last name of his last girlfriend], I just wanted to let you know that we were able to upgrade you to our rumpus suite, with the soundproof walls, as your boyfriend requested. Can’t wait to see you this weekend.”

Send texts dropping false hints.

This one’s delightfully nefarious. First, you have to text them both at the same time.

“Hey, I hate to do this, but I’ve been helping [so and so] plan this evening and [he/she] is worried you aren’t getting the hints they’ve been dropping. So I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but they need you to meet them at [name of two different restaurants]. No matter what you hear from [he/she], go there. I promise. It’s gonna be big.

Work the mail room at your office.

Last Valentine’s Day I just so happened to be at our receptionist’s desk when FedEx showed up. I was handed four large 1-800 FLOWERS boxes and got to deliver them to coworkers. You should have seen me walking through the hallways, a hybrid Santa Claus-Grim Reaper. I would slow down in front of some offices, check the label and Oops. No flowers for you from your husband. SORRIES. Related, you could also just bring a lot of big boxes and pace in front of the doors of people you think are lonely.

Get them drunk.

This is probably the easiest. Get both of them liquored up before their fancy date. People tell the truth when they are hammered. They’ll be sure to fight.

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[Couple image via ShutterStock]