I think at some point in all of our lives we’ve witnessed, been subject of, or dished out an insult so vicious it stopped us in our tracks, and shattered someone’s world. People are assholes, there’s not getting around it, and if you haven’t experienced something like this then you’re probably just really young (or lucky), but rest assured that it’s coming one day. That’s why you should commit these insults below to memory, and join the assholes.
Over on one of those threads where everyone shares their experience a bunch of people told stories of the most hilarious insults they’ve ever heard and some of them are fanfuckingtastic. So read through them, try and remember the best ones, and hope that you can recall them one day when the time is right:
crookedparadigm:
“If your eyes were any further apart, you’d be an herbivore.”
ZeromusPrime:
“If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of you”
“Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn’t have pictures, you fucking idiot”
related:
darkm_2:
“If you look up “Idiot” in the dictionary, you know what you are going to find?” “A picture of me?” “No! A definition of an idiot, which you fucking are!”
Bwang321:
When I was in 3rd grade some girl on the bus called me “Milk and cucumbers boy”. I had no idea how to react.
C55H104O6:
When arguing with a British friend (I’m American) about their inferior spellings and pronunciations, he let out a “I have furniture older than your country.”
juanacape:
One time my ma and I were having a huge fight and in the midst of all the anger and yelling, I turn to walk away and then suddenly look her in the eye and with a dead-serious face I scream “YOUR menstruation synched up to MINE. I AM THE ALPHA” which set off the saltiest, loudest “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?” I’ve ever heard in my life. PS- My brother nearly spit out his cereal with laughter since he was in the room with us.
Dommenam:
“If the Catholic Church saw you, they would start promoting abortions.”
thankyoufor_that:
I once told my buddy that my dad is half Mexican, half Navajo.. without missing a beat he said “Oh, so your dad can put his ear to the ground and hear border patrol?”
Jameswc:
I know five fat people and you’re three of them.
Ethan0707:
“I would call your aim cancer but cancer kills” I play counter strike
politikamusic:
“If you gave him an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox”.
Hovie1:
Playing cards one night with friends. My new girlfriend was there. I got cleaned out by a friend.
Me: “You fucker.”
Him: “You fuck her, you brought her!”
AJKettles:
Once my teacher said: “Who was your mother shagging when she was supposed to be teaching you manners?”
liquor_for_breakfast:
Not sure if this fits here exactly, but two of my friends were verbally going at it, getting super pissed, one of them attempted to yell either “you wanna fucking go?!” or “you wanna fight?!”
But rage threw off his speaking coherence so what came out was “Yeah? You wanna fuck?!”
Cracked me up anyway
britboy4321:
True insults of history ….
Women to a drunk Winston Churchill at party ‘Sir, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.’
Churchill ‘If you were my wife, I’d drink it’.
NicAdams1989:
“if i was in a room with toby, osama bin laden, and hitler, and i had a gun with two bullets in it, i’d shoot toby twice.”
-Michael Scott
JamesIsTheDavis:
From a Guyanese/Indian man I arrested for disorderly intoxication: “You are an affront to god and a shame to your parents, sir! I shall fuck you with my big brown dick!”
It was about ten years ago, but him going from invoking god and my parents to threats to inflict me with his Trunk of Ganesha in one sentence was memorable.
TinyDucklingBigWorld:
You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
dfcdiving:
Said in a Louisiana drawl, “Boy, you got more excuses than a pregnant Nun”.
leftyspartan:
“You’re the byproduct of too much tequila and a gas station condom.”
onelittleworld:
From Aliens…
Hudson: Hey Vasquez, you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez: No. Have you?
Unclejesster:
Slim Jim commercial: Two 20 something black guys riding in a horse drawn buggy with an Amish guy about their age.
One of the black guys ask the Amish guy ,”What’s it like living without the internet?”
Amish response,”It’s alright, I just get pictures of your mom through the mail.”
Kills me every time.
Alright bros, that about wraps up my coverage. There are many more of these insults over on the AskReddit thread. You can also feel free to leave your best insult in the comments down below or in the FB comments!
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