Someone’s taken 2014. Where is 2014 and what have you done with her? I could certainly use Liam Neeson to explain to me what happened to my 2014 right about now. I just got done deciding what my resolutions should be for 2014, and we’re already halfway through January of 2015. Slow the fuck down, time. Unfortunately time waits for no one, and this time of year brings in fresh New Year’s resolutions. The top resolutions people make every year are usually to lose weight, get organized, and spend less money. Yeah fat chance you unorganized, broke, lazy pile. If you haven’t made any resolutions yet or you’ve already broken the ones you set two weeks ago, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Here are some unconventional resolutions that you can actually achieve in 2015.
Embrace Taylor Swift
For years I hated Taylor Swift, and looking back I’m not really sure why. Maybe it was how overly excited she always seemed to be or how she didn’t date me when I didn’t ask, but whenever her name was brought up I would just groan. Then I read this article from Brandon Cohen, where he won a contest to eat pizza with Taylor Swift in her apartment, and for the first time I thought maybe she’s just a genuine human being. Soon after I heard “Shake It Off” and I ended up humming the chorus for the next several weeks. Eventually, I heard “Blank Space” and realized that I genuinely enjoyed the way these two songs made me feel. I challenge you to crank “Blank Space” to 11 and not feel joy. I think sometimes we tend to overthink things, and we end up taking the joy out of things that are just fun and catchy. Now, I’m not saying you have to buy her CD and become a die-hard Swiftie. All I’m saying is to just embrace what she is, and allow yourself to experience joy. You’ve got an entire year to do it.
Shake the hand of an interesting person
This could be a celebrity, a famous athlete, or a street musician with a dark past and three thumbs. While it is pretty insane how uninteresting most people’s lives are, there are those that have a very interesting life story. Find that person and shake his/her hand. The best part is that you decide if they are interesting or not, so you don’t have to set your expectations too high. If you have Howie Mandel syndrome, then just settle for a fist bump.
Work out more than you talk about working out
Finally, I’ve crafted a solution to everyone who fails their fitness goals year after year. This resolution allows people that do work out to still talk about how much they are working out–which they love to do. However, if you don’t work out, you can still achieve your goal as long as you don’t talk about working out. There’s nothing worse than an overweight person constantly talking about how they should be working out while simultaneously eating a bucket of ice cream. This resolution is a victory for everyone involved, because people that do work out can still boast about how much they bench, Bro. Furthermore, it spares everyone else the agony of listening to someone who’s out of shape talk about how they should really be at the gym right now.
Finish “that thing you were going to do”
Now, that thing you were going to do could be a number of things and some tasks may seem daunting. However, just remember that you have an entire year to accomplish this thing. Pick just one thing that you know you can accomplish if you just do it, and do that thing. Remember to keep it small though. If it’s a home improvement task, don’t shoot for the whole house, maybe just shoot for finishing one room. Then when you complete this one room, you’ll feel like you’ve succeeded and might as well move on to the next one. Think of it as positive reinforcement. Some other prime examples of doing that thing you were going to do include getting your oil changed, getting new cups, and watching Inception for a 2nd time.
Stop sharing as much pointless information on social media
We’re all guilty of this to a certain degree, but most people have that certain person on their news feed that pukes out the most boring shit you’ve ever read. For example; I saw someone post, “My head hurts. Help me Tylenol.” This means that having a headache was the most interesting thing that happened to that person the entire week. Also, keep in mind that you’re wasting everyone else’s life. Everyone else is scrolling through your nothing to get to something they actually want to see. It’s like going to a concert to see a band you really like, but instead the opening band comes out and stands on stage for an hour not playing anything until the band you wanted to see eventually comes out.
Also, stop leading people on with open ended posts like, “I can’t believe this is happening to me.” I’m not asking who, what, when, where, and why and neither should any of you. You’re enablers. It’s like asking an alcoholic if he’d like to shotgun a beer with you. You lose credibility every time you share something uninteresting on social media. So in 2015 take a step in the right direction and think before you post.
So this year just remember to aim low, because even if you miss your resolutions, you won’t be that disappointed.
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