Try Not To Asphyxiate Yourself While Reading The Awful Bios Of New York City’s Youngest New Socialites

Normally, it’s easy to not asphyxiate yourself. Don’t take your hands to your throat and squeeze until you can’t breathe, don’t shove a dishrag as far into your lungs as you possibly can, don’t stick your head in a tub of water and not pull it out until after you die.

We all go thousands upon thousands of days and never do these things.

Today, though. Man. Today will be difficult. For the New York Observer published its list of 21 young socialites you need to know.

To begin with, you don’t need to know a single socialite. There’s nothing worthwhile in becoming cognizant of the fact that a new crop of terrible people who were born rich are living the kind of decadent, self-absorbed lives that cause Jesus to look down from his perch high up at the right hand of the Father and say “Not yet.”

That said, because they are so cringe-worthy, so vomit-inducing, so rage-inspiring, you should perhaps read some if only to feel infinitely better about yourself.

Let’s start with Kick Kennedy.

That’s … yea. That’s her fucking name. Kick Kennedy.

You should stop now.

The granddaughter of Robert F. Kennedy is a triple threat of actor, singer, and environmentalist. While her summer has been spent working on her singing chops, she has spent time relaxing on city rooftops, her family’s Hyannis Port compound, and in Malibu where her father’s Emu takes a dip in the pool.

If I could travel back in time and convince Sirhan Sirhan to take out RFK before he ever had the sex that eventually brought this paragraph into the world, I would do it before killing Hitler.

That wasn’t a goddamn metaphor either in her bio. There really is a fucking emu in her pool

Let’s meet Sean Burke

This former protegé of preppy Newport, RI-based start-up Kiel James Patrick (@KJP) has struck out on his own as a social media intern for Vineyard Vines and grad student at Hobart & William Smith. When he’s not hitting the books, he can be found sporting a navy blazer in almost all of the North East’s summer getaways, including high above Taylor Swift’s Watch Hill compound easily viewed from the nearby Ocean House.

Getting an internship is not striking it out on your own, not when your parents book you and pay for a room at a hotel that overlooks Taylor Swift’s house.

Here he is embodying every person in a fraternity who isn’t cool enough to have his own cocaine connection and despite the wealth he flaunts never chips in when he does a shitton of blow that someone else procures.

Are you dead yet? Did you stop breathing long ago?

You haven’t met Henri Mattise’s great-great-granddaughter, who, you will never believe this, loves Instagram.

So artsy. Just like paw-paw.

This great-great-granddaughter of Henri Matisse is one of a handful of “Snap Pack” kids including Andrew Warren and Kyra Kennedy. Matisse’s Insta-feed is full of rip roaring warm weather exploits, all with her dog Bambi in tow, but she soon hopes to trade partying for acting when she plays a supporting role in “Forgetting Sandy Glass,” due out later this year.

Here’s a picture the great-great-granddaughter of the man who did Woman with a Hat took.

Woman with a Horsehead.

Feel free to read the rest here.

[H/T @elongreen]