6 Things to Remember When Your One-Night Stand Spends the Night

As much as I’d love for my physical encounters with women to be devoid of anything but sex (feelings, courtship, effort, any action that doesn’t resemble thrusting), I know that’s not the world I’m in.

Living the single life you’ll experience all these, as well as what I consider the most unsavory interaction: someone spending the night at your house. My bed is my sanctuary and to me, worshiping there is a private event. Even though it is queen-sized, it’s made just for me. I sleep in the middle. I watch Netflix there. When I wake up I want to masturbate without explaining what I’m doing to someone I met several hours ago (and don’t get me started on morning sex with strangers).

But again, man, fucking society. Women you have sex with are going to want to feel all sorts of “not used” and kicking them out of your house at 2:30 in the morning reeks of just that. Plus, it’s maybe dangerous at night and they could get killed on the way home and that’s two-and-a-half days of police interrogation I’d much rather not have. So like, spend the night. Please. Whatever. I’ve got a system that makes it tolerable.

Make Excuses: There’s nothing worse than a lingerer, especially when it’s 10:30 a.m. and your temples are painfully pulsating and who the fuck is this girl and why is she looking at her phone and asking if OMG did I hear Cory Monteith died? I don’t care if your friend died. I don’t know you. I want you to leave. That’s why as soon as I’m sure someone is coming over, I start going on and on about my IMPORTANT business meeting I have early the next day. So what if it’s Saturday? I am an entrepreneur and when I am not getting ahead I am getting behind. Be sure to make a huge show of setting the alarm. That’s important. “As you can see I am adjusting the settings on this clock radio and it will begin blaring in approximately six hours signifying the start of my day and the end of ours.”

Lower The Air Conditioning: You are probably going to have sex, and unless you are penguin, it’s going to get hot and sweaty (penguins are known for their rapid, dispassionate sex). It’s also summer and now instead of you seeping heat after an arduous jack off sesh, there are two bodies radiating warmth. So as soon as you get in the door, set the A/C a few degrees lower than normal. You’ll thank me later.

Offer Clothing: You want your bedmate as comfortable as possible. If they aren’t, they’ll be rattling and prattling about and making your evening the most miserable of your life (perhaps a bit hyperbolic, but I’d rather jam a collar stay under my fingernail then have a bad night of sleep). So offer her some boxers or mesh shorts and a comfortable tee shirt. And please, PLEASE, wait until they are in the bathroom before you fish them out of the laundry basket. Own The Covers: Are mine. Not yours. If you were already planning on shacking up with some random why didn’t you stuff a quilt in your clutch? That is how a smart girl would plan ahead. Sure, you can be nice when they ask and offer and inch or two, but remember you are under no obligation whatsoever. It’s your damn comforter.

Avoid Cuddling: Nope. If I’m in love with you, then yes, post-coitus I will enjoy a brief moment wherein my arm is draped over your shoulder. But a one-night stand is in the Bill of Rights: Freedom to be left the fuck alone. If I find myself with someone adamant about touching me, I make a big show of rolling around. “It takes me a while to get comfortable.”

If All Else Fails: Chloroform. For you and her. Will knock you both right out. Please note: be sure to use after you have sex. It’s illegal if you do it before.

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[One-night stand image via ShutterStock]