The reason for that is because I am cool. I was cool in high school, when I was putting back Natty Lights in my friend Lara’s basement. I was cool in college, when I was dope at beer pong and funneling.
And I am cool now, as I blog on the internet and drink rye bourbon alone in my bed while binging on The Americans. So cool.
I wish I didn’t drink so much, but it’s just ingrained in my cool DNA.
There is a solution, however, to having a drinking problem. Researchers have found the fix and it’s called being a fucking loser. From Futurity:
Sending young adults text messages might be an effective way to reduce binge drinking and alcohol-related injuries, a new study suggests.
The control group received standard care and no text messages. The self-monitoring group received text messages on Sundays asking about drinking quantity but received no feedback. The final group received the full program, which included text messages on Thursdays inquiring about weekend drinking plans and promoting a goal commitment to limit drinking, followed by another text on Sunday to inquire about actual drinking and give tailored feedback aimed at reducing alcohol consumption.
AND THESE SUCKERS BOUGHT THIS SHIT.
If someone receiving the full intervention program reported anticipating a heavy drinking day (more than five drinks during any 24-hour period for men and more than four for women), he or she received a text message expressing concern about those levels and asking if they would be willing to set a goal to limit their drinking below binge thresholds for the weekend.
Those who responded to the affirmative then received messages expressing positive reinforcement and strategies for cutting down. Those who refused to set goals received a text message encouraging them to reflect on the decision. (For example: “It’s OK to have mixed feelings about reducing your alcohol use. Consider making a list of all the reasons you might want to change.”)
Six months after the end of the trial, participants who were exposed to the full text-message intervention reported an average of one less binge drinking day per month.
LOL pussies. If you wanna participate in my program, wherein I text you and tell you it’s okay to get shitfaced whenever you want, email me (firstname.lastname@example.org).