There were Candy Corn Oreos and Gingerbread Oreos and even Banana Split Creme Oreos. There were Lemon Twist, Birthday Cake, Watermelon and about two dozen or so other limited edition flavors unleashed by Nabisco over the last ten years.
This week, Oreo unveiled new Choco Chip Flavored cookies, the first time the classic cookie mated with another cookie (unless you count Cookie Dough Oreo cookies, which I don’t). My favorite store-bought cookie combined with my favorite homemade cookie seems like a no-brainer to dump into my grocery cart. So I did, along with…nothing else. I went to the store specifically for these cookies and that’s feels even sadder when typed out.
“New Choco Chip Flavored OREO cookies feature a first-ever dual-flavored wafer — golden and chocolate — with chocolate chip creme inside to bring back that warm, fuzzy feeling of your childhood home,” an Oreo spokesman told TIME.
You don’t anything about my childhood home, asshole, so you shut your fat lips. We’ll see about this.
Here’s my impartial and not-sponsored-at-all review of the new Chocolate Chip-Flavored Oreos. I’m also not a professional food critic. I’m just a fat bastard who loves him some cookies.
The packaging of the Choco Chip Flavored Oreos is smaller than the typical Oreo packaging, which might be a good thing if these cookies taste like chocolate-coated construction paper, but if I’m paying close to $5 for a package of cookies I want enough to make it through one day, Nabisco!
The first rip of the package top (a feature I still hate because the last thing I need is EASIER fucking access to treats) and the familiar smell of Oreos mixes with a scant chocolate chip fragrance. It’s like if mom was making homemade chocolate chip cookies and you’re impatient ass goes and eats Oreos while they bake.
It smells not awful.
I gathered a couple beverages for the experiment before the ingestion, . A cup of coffee because I need caffeine to snap me out of a possible sugar coma and a glass of milk BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA AND THAT’S HOW AMERICANS EAT COOKIES.
Right off the bat, I’m not a fan of screwing with the integrity of the Oreo wafer. Screw with the cream all you want (TWSS) but don’t screw with the Oreo wafers. They’re usually the only thing that can keep a limited edition Oreo flavor from sucking. The cookie saves the day even if the cream is hard to swallow (again, TWSS).
I twisted the Oreo into two separate sides, one with cream and one without, because THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA AND THAT’S HOW AMERICANS EAT COOKIES. Also, I wanted to eat just the cookie and just the creme and can I get through one paragraph of this piece without mouthing “that’s what she said” silently to myself? I cannot.
The cookie alone is incredibly delicious. It could stand alone without the creme, a beacon for all that is scrumptious and processed. The creme includes small chunks of chocolate but has an odd coffee-like aftertaste (even without drinking the coffee). I feel the chocolate chip cookies might be better served with the standard Oreo filling. On the plus side, since the packages are just fresh from the production line, the cream is still pliable and isn’t harder than last night’s jizz on a gym sock.
I then ate the cookie completely intact, just like crazy people, and it might be the best way to enjoy the Choco Chip Flavored Oreos. The socialists might be onto something and maybe I should have taken Bernie Sanders more seriously.
It wasn’t until my eyeballs started to ache that I realized I’d eaten way too many cookies in one sitting. I’m talking “TLC Special” levels of gluttony. I’m suddenly feeling sluggish and sorry for myself yet inspired to eat the entire package because THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA AND…
I need a nap. A serious nap. I need to shower and burn the clothes I’m wearing. I need to throw the package into that clothing inferno and erase all traces of Oreos because even one sniff and I’ll want more. I need to shave my beard to prevent any errant crumbs from finding their way to my lips. I need to vacuum under my desk because I HAVE picked up small chunks off food and eaten them off the floor (sometimes hours later) and all the high fructose is making me way too honest right now.
I mean yeah, come on, they’re cookies. Why would you not try them, no matter what I say? I could claim the taste of Choco Chip Flavored Oreos is similar to licking the brown eye of a Keebler Elf and you’d still go “oh I need to try that and also why does this guy lick enough elf ass to make that connection?” Grab a package, take out a couple, and enjoy. You might want to hand the package to a close friend or loved one and instruct them to hide the rest, no matter how volatile your request for the rest.
Chris Illuminati is a senior editor with BroBible. Touch his tweets. Touch them.