There is no such thing as the official public washroom rulebook. There is no laminate on the wall like a public swimming pool nor is there a handbook that everyone is given to study.
However, there are a slew of rules and regulations that any normal person should and must abide by. Without these guidelines, the washroom area would be straight up anarchy. Since I’ve already schooled the planet on the proper way to wipe your ass, I’m here to set the record straight and lay down the law for all.
Here are the definitive ten commandments of using public washrooms. Think of me as the Moses of urinal cakes.
Thou Shall Keep The Stall Clean
Bluntly, just don’t be assholes. Don’t leave a mess and make sure you flush when you’re done. If you’re standing up, try your best to aim for the water. Stalls require more effort and precision than a urinal, where you can just let that stuff fly.
Thou Shall Flush With One’s Hand, Not Foot
If we can all just agree to be human beings and flush with our hands, rather than the disgusting bottoms of our shoes, then there wouldn’t be a need to flush with your foot. It’s a vicious cycle and we need to break this habit. Flush with your hands or forearm, people. Don’t make that thing dirtier than it needs to be. Let’s just agree on this and stick to it.
Thou Shall Use Their Forearm To Turn The Sink On
Best-case scenario: this washroom has one of those state-of-the-art sinks that turns on via censor. However, should this washroom have an old-school type of faucet, don’t turn it on with your horrible hands that just finished doing unthinkable things. Once those fingertips have been compromised, keep them away from touching anything until they’ve been washed.
Wash Your Hands After A Number Two
Look, I can understand why someone would just rinse their hands after peeing. After all, you’re just touching some skin that (I hope) is clean to begin with. However, not washing your hands with soap after taking, and cleaning up, a number two should be punishable by death. The fact that I even have to say this is upsetting, but some people need to be reminded.
Drying One’s Hands Is Mandatory
Don’t be the guy who wipes his hands on his jacket or pants. Nobody likes that guy and it shows that you don’t care about your appearance. If there’s paper towel, then go for it. If it’s a hand-dryer, then take the couple seconds to dry those puppies. Hey, if you’re really lucky maybe it’s one of those heavy-duty Dyson ones.
Thou Shall Choose The Right Stall
Choosing the right stall is a make-or-break decision that will depict your entire bathroom experience. Ideally, you want the cleanest stall with the most space. Depending on your moral compass, you may opt for the handicap stall. Look, I don’t judge. Also, some decent literature to read on the walls is always a plus. Never go into a dirty stall and definitely don’t go in right after a stranger was just in there. There is literally nothing worse on this planet than sitting down on a pre-warmed seat.
No One Shall Sit Directly On The Bowl
Regardless of how clean the stall is, you should never, EVER just put your butt to the toilet seat. Either wipe it down with some TP or a moist towelette, or lay some paper down to sit on. Respect your rear end, at least a little bit.
If You’re First, Take The Last
By this, I mean that if you’re the only person in the washroom and all the urinals are available, take the last one. Always take the end urinal that’s next to the wall, thus reducing your risk by 50% of having someone come stand next to you. It also saves the next person to show up from an incredibly difficult decision.
Thou Shall Always Leave One Buffer Stall
One of the most important unspoken rules is you should always avoid peeing next to someone in a urinal situation. Just the concept of standing inches from a stranger while you both hold you private parts is insanely awkward. If spot 1 and 3 are taken, I suggest waiting for one to free up instead of jumping in that middle slot. Try your best to maintain a buffer urinal.
Don’t Be Shy
Don’t even worry about squeaking out those embarrassing noises. Everyone that’s in there is in there for a reason, and we all know what goes on in a bathroom, so don’t hold back! Let it rip, baby! Then, when you’re done, walk out of that stall with your head held high because there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
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