Your parents are going to ask you certain questions in your twenties. Some will be inexplicable, given that they were in their twenties once, and that they lived through the 1970s. It’s best, though, to be prepared for them.
Here are 13 questions your parents will absolutely ask you in your twenties:
1. Why do you have to drink at every dinner?
Some parents will ask this question casually, others will be seriously concerned, and some will simply be amazed that you aren’t buzzed after four High Lifes. Their concern probably isn’t eased by your asking for booze for your birthday and Christmas every year since turning 21, but hey, Pale Ales are a distinguished food pairing with mac & cheese. Maybe take a lunch off, assure them you’re only excited to be drinking Spotted Cows because they’re only sold at home, and let them go back to googling cute cats instead of the signs of alcoholism.
2. How’s the weather by you?
This isn’t really as daunting as the other things on this list. But you will discuss the weather. Every. Fucking. Phone call. It’s cold. Everyone gets it.
“Thanks again for the gloves with the special silver finger that still lets me text.”
“I guess it is pretty damn cold here. I really could use one of those huge Eskimo North Faces”. (Maybe your parents will make up a reason to buy one for you.)
3. Why haven’t you started a 401K?
I have very few needs as a twenty-something bro when it comes to disposing of my disposable income. Beer. Flights to cool places to drink beer. Food.
If I start a 401K, I might not have that little extra cushion I need for impromptu rounds of 10 shots, $35 Chinese food orders (with delivery charge), or buying new dress shoes after a 6.5 spills a cranberry vodka on them.
Side note: I have yet to receive a thank you from Obama for all this economy stimulation, btw. How can the economy still be in such disarray after all my nights out? Any round of 10 Fireballs or more should come with a thank you note from BO. Maybe a little gratitude would make me feel more obliged to visit your affordable care act website?
4. Why can’t you cook?
My mom once bought me a cookbook of just recipes that require canned ingredients. Didn’t open it once. Listen, I can’t master everything at a young age, and I’m saving cooking for my thirties. Besides, do you think I have the energy to go all kitchen stadium on some chicken marsala after a long day of ROI creation at work? I think not.
5. When are you going to grow up on Facebook?
“You know, I saw on the news that 87% of hiring managers take your Facebook profile into account. Since you’re not applying to be a trolley driver, all the photos of you in jorts double-fisting probably aren’t working in your favor.” Listen, Mom and Dad, if a company doesn’t want to hire me for who I am, fuck them. I don’t want to work in an environment like that.
6. What’s a Cleveland Steamer?
Just my mom? Ok, moving on.
7. How you can help us start a business when we retire?
This one isn’t that bad. I like this one. My parents want to start a food truck and travel to State Fairs. I’ve got a few years to come up with something better than this for them to do. I think I’m up for the challenge.
8. Have you been going to church?
Can’t really help you here. Just be prepared to answer this question. And your time home for Christmas might not be the best time to mention you’re an atheist.
9. When’s the last time you’ve gotten a physical?
Answer: Not for a while, but I’m not being irresponsible. I did just end a bender coughing while an Argentinian foreign exchange student cupped my balls. It was a great, post-coital joke. She said they were some of the smoother balls she’s felt. And I check for lumps every day myself. Well not exactly, but hanging out with Jill has to count as some prostate cancer check osmosis.
10. How did you lose your phone this time?
It fell out of my pocket in a cab is a pretty good reason the first two times it happens. After that, you’ll have to get more creative: “I left it at the hotel,” I accidentally dropped it and shattered the screen. After the fifth time, you’re on your own.
11. Why do you like Miley Cyrus?
Ingenuity. Huge balls. The feeling I get in my loins. Have you ever listened to the words of “Wrecking Ball” or “Adore You?” Pretty deep stuff there. And she makes me want to dance. What else is there?
12. Why haven’t you brought anyone home for the holidays?
This question isn’t super fun. I can’t even go on Instagram around the holidays because it’s too depressing. I want to make cookies and wear sweaters and sit by the fire too, guys! My uncles do think I’m getting a ton of strange, and that’s why they say I’m single. I try to soak that feeling in as much as possible—while saying I haven’t met anyone that can compare to the incredibly great example you set, Mom.
13. When are you going do your own taxes?
This is a bullet you just have to hope to dodge until you’re H&R Block-wealthy.
14. When are you going to give me a grandkid?
As soon as the condom breaks, Mom, just be patient. The pressure to have a child is such a weird pressure. Wait a second, weren’t you just explaining to me five short years ago the importance of wearing condoms and not having a kid before I was ready?! I can’t even talk to my boss’s kid when she brings him into work, and I’ve maybe held a baby three times in my life. I’m just waiting until my mom gets so desperate she says, “But seriously, that anal contraceptive thing you told me you were doing in high school can stop.” (And yes, I did tell my mom in high school that she had nothing to worry about baby-wise because I only do it anally, and that it’s the safest birth control next to abstinence. Not sure she has recovered yet.)
Overall, answering these questions is a small price to pay considering your twenties are probably the best decade of your life. Hopefully, by reading this, you’ll be a little more prepared when your mom or dad drops one of these questions on you 15 minutes after getting home from a 54-hour Vegas bender.