9 Reasons You Should Definitely Quit Your Job

Quitting your job isn’t an easy decision. In fact, it can be downright terrifying, especially when you realize the only thing standing between you and total personal failure is the $12 in your checking account, that $20 gift card to Olive Garden and your Xanax prescription with three pills left in the bottle.

But sometimes a bro’s gotta do what a bro’s gotta do, no matter how terrifying. These are the times when quitting your job isn’t so much a “life decision” as it as a “saving your life decision.” No one wants to fail, but sometimes the greatest failure is to do nothing at all while your life slowly drifts into oblivion. Remember, the goal isn’t just to survive, it’s to thrive, it’s to enjoy life, and in order to get there sometimes you have to have the guts to take a stand for yourself, to take a step back and choose a different, better path. In short, sometimes, dear friends, you need to quit your piece of shit job, especially if any of the following are true.

You See No Future for Yourself

Look, if you see yourself in the exact same place twenty, thirty years from now, then what’s the point? Unless you’ve already achieved all your goals (doubtful) if there’s no room for advancement, for taking the next step, either personally or professionally, then get out now, while you still can. Every year you wait will make it that much harder to get your shit together. A 25-year-old who decides to do something new is going to have a much smoother ride than even a 35-year-old who makes the same decision. The older you get, the more sheer momentum makes it harder for you to stop. Don’t rely on the fantasy that one day you will be able to send a Terminator back in time to scare the shit out of current you. Have the balls to do it yourself, today.

Your Boss Sees No Future for You

As bad as it is to not have any hope for yourself, it can be even worse to have some old asshole telling you there’s no hope. If you have a boss who doesn’t think you’ll ever amount to anything more than you already are, then you need to get out now, for all the same reasons described above. Sure, this is infinitely more frustrating because it’s just one dude or lady dude standing in your way, but an obstacle is an obstacle, and the only way to healthily remove it without getting on the 6 o’clock news for attempted murder is to remove yourself from the situation.

You Never Get Any Credit

No one likes the needy asshole who constantly needs an “atta boy,” but at the same time, if you never get any credit at all, then you’re in a bad situation. Of course, it’s even worse if someone else is stealing that credit. One thing you never, ever want to be is the office whipping boy, the one who does all the work, never gets any credit for it, and gets shit on by an asshole boss. If this sounds even remotely like your current situation, maybe it’s time to get into a better line of work, like prostitution or selling meth on the dark web.

You Can’t Get Up in the Morning

I’m not talking about the “fuck you, alarm” kind of not being able to get up. Everyone has to deal with that. I’m talking about the “oh god, my existence is hell, and I am going to vomit and then gently weep for an hour before I can get out of bed” kind of not being able to get up. If the thought of going to your job fills you with the sort of existential dread normally only seen in obscure black and white silent Scandinavian art films, then it might be time to reevaluate some things. That’s all I’m saying.

‘Office Space’ is Like Porn to You

If you find yourself watching Office Space every day and getting sprung every time the office building burns down at the end of the movie (spoilers for a twenty year old movie!) then you might need to take a moment to reevaluate some things. The same thing goes if you watch Horrible Bosses and think it’s an autobiographical documentary. If you willingly watch Horrible Bosses 2, you have much bigger problems and deeper issues that I can’t help you with.

Your Work Stress Bleeds Into Your Personal Life

Look, this happens to everyone to a certain extent. It’s just human nature. You can’t completely separate the personal and the professional, and to be honest, it’s unhealthy to even try. But when your workplace miseries make everything in the rest of your life seem like shit too, then you have a major problem. It’s one thing to hate your job. It’s another thing completely to hate your life. When hating your job gets to the point where you start to hate your life, then you know what? Fuck your job.

Your Health Starts to Suffer

Look, no job is worth dying for, bros. Sure, we all have to deal with a little stress, but there’s a big difference between “a little stress” and dealing with chronic insomnia because you like awake all night worrying about your shitty job while your blood pressure climbs, and every time you look in the mirror you get freaked out because there’s an extra from The Walking Dead staring back at you. You don’t need that shit, man. Nobody does.

Everyone In Your Life is Telling You To

Listen to your friends and family. If everyone you know and love is telling you to quit your job, then you know what you should do? Quit your fucking job. Sometimes, clarity can only be seen through the eyes of others. You will always – always – be able to find a reason to stay at your crappy job. Usually that reason is fear. You’re too close, and you’re afraid of what might happen if you leave. It’s understandable. But that’s why you need to see it through the eyes of people who don’t have that fear infecting their view of the situation. Don’t just trust one person, though. Get a consensus. But if your job is truly shitty and worth quitting, chances are good they’ll have already told you. You just need to listen.

Any Part of Your Job Involves Jizz

If, during the course of your workday, you handle, clean up, or ingest semen, it’s okay to quit. Nobody’s going to judge you. I mean, if you really, really want to, then by all means, jizz it up. The American Dream, after all, is to make money doing what you love. But unless your childhood dream involved mopping up after some neckbeard exploded through his track pants 15 seconds into “Pour Some Sugar on Me” at the local Deja Vu, then it might be time to do something else. At least professionally.

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