Turns out, you find some weird shit on the ground after all of the snow melts for the first time in three months. Boxes of tampons became a regularity, but when I saw what appeared to be an uneaten Big Mac on the ground, that was when it really felt like I survived the apocalypse. I had no idea that it was “leave your Big Macs on the ground, yo, and get inside!” weather, but alas, here we are.
Hey guys, let’s all forget about that wack-ass snow nonsense. Don’t think about the fact that you spent $35 on Chapstick over the last three months because you somehow lost one on a weekly basis. Look your Canada Goose coat in the eye and genuinely ask yourself, “Am I going to wear this again? Will it still be trendy next year?” And, most importantly, dust off those decaying relationships in your life. Your girlfriend? She might as well be dead since you probably haven’t seen her in weeks months. But seriously, you two probably aren’t together anymore.
If all else fails, just force Spring on yourself and straight up pretend it’s no longer cold outside. Start with throwing on some real pants that don’t have elastic on the waistband. Personally, this was very difficult for me. I grew extremely dependent on sweatpants, pajamas, and elasticity in general. One day you put on socially acceptable pants and you no longer feel like a reclusive mole-person. Shit’s magical. Next, stop ordering delivery for almost every meal. A) Beach season is coming and you don’t want to be fat, gross, and have zero sex, B) Real talk, one of us probably killed a delivery driver at some point this . “It looks pretty bad out. Let me make some nameless, faceless dude drive 3 miles across town in treacherous conditions so I can eat General Tsos chicken that’ll eventually give me diarrhea.” – all of us. Last, but not least, make sure you start ordering Spring seasonal beers from the bar. Drinking a spring shandy when it’s 27 degrees outside lets everyone around you know that you are in control of your domain. Or they won’t care. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
Luckily for me, Shock Top came through and threw a bomb-ass 72 (Degree) and Shock Top party to prevent me from going crazy/becoming a fat person. They had hot tubs, lobster rolls, cornhole, badminton, sand, random hot girls that wouldn’t talk to me, and a live band. It felt like spring, for real. Shout out to them for showing love to a city in desperate need of some warmth:
Above all else, remember the dude that left the Big Mac on the ground. He’s obviously dead now, but let his memory serve as a reminder that we had a pretty shitty winter. We did it, Boston. We finished multiple Netflix series, jerked off entirely too much, and (us black people) got ashy as fuck. Spring is Coming.
Boston garden pic via Shutterstock