Getting drunk could arguably be the favorite pastime of the human race. It’s hard to come across a person who doesn’t enjoy putting a few back, and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying yourself and a good buzz. However, there’s that tipping point that anyone who’s ever gotten drunk has accidentally found themselves crossing over into complete buffoonery.
Once you do cross this point, there’s no turning back, there’s only getting drunker and drunker, eating too much and waking up wondering what on Earth you’ve done to your brain cell count, stomach and slowly eroding liver. It all starts with a bit of denial.
The “Dude, I’m not even drunk. No I’m not!”
The preeminent moment of being drunk: denial. You just want everyone to know that you’re not drunk, even though you so clearly are. Although the purpose of drinking is to get drunk, you’re too embarrassed to admit that you’ve achieved said goal, thus deny it feverishly. That is, until it overtakes you.
The “HAHA, What? No, seriously, what?”
Squinty eyes and a dumb smile on your face is met with utter confusion at every little word the person you’re conversing with has to say. Your additions to the conversation at this point are mainly, “Yeah,” “No way,” and “For sure.”
The “Is there any food? Who else is hungry? Let’s eat! You guys want an appetizer?”
The booze is kicking into high gear. Although you said you weren’t going to spend too much money an appetizer sampler of onion rings, french fries, egg rolls, mozzarella sticks and an assortment of other fried foods sounds divine. When it comes out, you’ll eat most of it, but ask if the server can split it on the bill.
The “Dude, I’m cool, bro, I’m cool. I’m fine, I’m fine.”
This is when the swaying of the body and the somewhat offensive remarks begin to show themselves. You must reassure everyone you’re okay, even though you look like Neo in that climactic moment of The Matrix.
The “Hey, fuck you!”
You literally just see someone you don’t know that’s alive and can’t believe that they exist. You must demean them with your stellar vocabulary.
The “I should apologize? They should apologize!”
Why would you apologize for yelling curse words at someone who so clearly deserved to have those things yelled at them? “They should apologize for being alive and being a person I don’t know!”
The “Whatever, man. I need a shot.”
It’s cool, let bygones be bygones and just drink some more. There’s no problem in the world that drinking hasn’t been able to immediately fix, right? Right! Now down that while simultaneously making that Robert De Niro-like squinty face of regret due to the fact that you just downed another shot.
The “I don’t know why my eye lid is twitching. I’m not sleepy or anything. I’m so overly confident right now.”
What time is it? Smug o’clock. That’s right, you’re entering the stage of the night where you belong in bed, but you feel like you should go out and fight crime or something. You’ve got life advice for anyone with willing and able ears on top of it all.
The “Whoa, I need a beer. Yeah, a Shhhhhccchhhtella please.”
You’re feeling the all encompassing feeling of the alcohol taking over your body, but rather than quit drinking you simply switch over to a lower alcohol content. Also, slurring of the words is becoming evident, but you’re dumb enough to order something with an “s” in the name.
The “Hey, who’s hungry? Me, I am!”
You already munched enough fried food to feed an entire village, but that was like 9 drinks ago! You really should be getting some food in you, to soak up some of this booze. That’s just science, and there’s no denying science.
The “Call an Uber, you goober! Oh my God I’m so funny!”
You won’t remember making this horrid joke, and thank God for that.
The “Hey Uber driver, is it cool if we smoke weed in here? HAHA, just kidding, but really? Also, take me to get a cheeseburger!”
They do not appreciate your drunkenness, but sadly they must oblige your incoherentness and yelling about burgers, because that is part of their 2 AM job description. Also, now probably isn’t the best time to go on a political tirade of a rant, but why the hell not?!
The “I can’t believe they wouldn’t take me to get a cheeseburger! Who wants frozen pizza? I do!”
Be prepared for future roof of mouth burns as you satisfy your craving for meat and cheese that inevitably sets you up for a long stint on the toilet tomorrow.
The “Who wants a nightcap?”
Better wash down all this pizza with a beer. “Anybody else want a Shhhhhccchhhtella? Fuck it, I’m having one! I’m cool bro, I’m cool.”
The “Why does it feel like I’m dancing, but I’m standing in place?”
Your feet may be firmly planted, but your upper torso is flapping around like a flag in Chicago. If somebody turned on some music, you’d look like you went to Juilliard, but flunked out.
The “I’m just going to fall asleep right here. Fuck you, I don’t care that I’m curled up on the kitchen floor, I’m comfortable!”
The “Why am I waking up on the kitchen floor? I think I’m still drunk.”
Enter the hangover, in which the only way to get rid of it is to start this entire process over again.
Drunk man image by Shutterstock