Bros, Stop Wearing These 10 Things If You Ever Want To Get Laid

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Do you like getting laid? That’s a rhetorical question, of course you do. Imagine getting laid every single day from now until the end of time. If there were a lottery scratch-off that promised a prize along those lines, every guy I know would go broke hurling cash at lottery machines (but really, who wouldn’t?).

Now picture a life without sex. Got a good mental image there? See how bleak and unpleasant it is? Yeah, that’s what your life will look like if you keep wearing the clothes on this list and opt to not check out what our solution to your wardrobe problems.

10 Plain Crewneck Tees

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Look, there’s nothing wrong with the basics…but that doesn’t mean you should be running around in a loincloth with a wooden club in hand whacking stuff as you stroll down the sidewalk. There’s “basic,” and then there’s “stone-age basic.” Plain crewneck tees are so basic that I’m surprised no one’s found a few cave paintings where there’s a bunch of cavemen in crewnecks running around hunting some mammoths.

What you should be wearing…:

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See? You have options. You can go with a simple V-neck or even get “adventurous” with a Henley. Either way, the people passing you on the street won’t think to themselves “Wow that guy looks like he belongs in a cave.”

9 Cargo Shorts

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Unless you identify as one of the following:

1. Plumber
2. Construction worker
3. Carpenter
4. Unfashionable
5. Homeless

You have no reason to wear cargo shorts. The main complaint I always hear whenever someone gets butt hurt after being asked “Bro. Why are you wearing cargo shorts?” is “I don’t care if they’re not ‘fashionable,’ you can fit SO MUCH into the pockets!”

Okay sure, I’ll concede on the pocket argument. But what are you carrying around that requires a dump truck’s worth of space in your pants? Hence, why it’s only acceptable for that short list of 5 people up there to wear them. If you’re not on that list, you shouldn’t be wearing them.

What you should be wearing…:

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Flat front shorts still have pockets, as do pretty much any pair of shorts, so don’t get your boxers in a knot wondering where you’ll store your cellphone and keys as you walk around. I shouldn’t have had to say that, but it’s like people who wear cargo shorts aren’t aware that other styles of shorts also have pockets.

8 Hoodies

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You look like you’re either homeless or in the 8th grade, or maybe even a homeless 8th grader whenever you wear one of these. The only time wearing a hoodie is acceptable is if you’re at the gym, in which case if you’re cold enough to warrant something with a hood then you should probably be working out harder. For both of our sakes, let’s try to upgrade to something nicer, shall we?

What you should be wearing…:

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Before you start going off about how you’re “not a cardigan kind of guy,” you don’t HAVE to wear a cardigan. Make it a zip-up sweater, or even a zip-up hoodie if you’re so attached to hoods that going a single day without one would give you an anxiety attack. Just make sure it opens in the front so people can see that you’re wearing something nicer below instead of slumming it without a shirt because all your other clothes were dirty. Don’t lie, we both know that’s why people wear hoodies on laundry day.

7 Light Wash Jeans

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Unless you’re a 50 pound skeleton, light washed jeans make your legs look unnecessarily wide. You know who the only people who wear light washed jeans are? Painters. Why? Because they don’t care if they get paint on those types of jeans so they end up getting used as “work pants.” If even painters know to keep the dark wash jeans clean and safe at home, shouldn’t you?

What you should be wearing…:

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No matter what color/style shirt you have, you can substitute out your light colored jeans with dark wash ones and there’s a 99% chance you’ll look 100% better. See this guy? Can you imagine him wearing this outfit with light washed jeans? If you can’t, let me paint you a simple picture of what he would look like:

Dark wash jeans #FTW

6 Ski Masks

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Here is the very long and extensive list of situations in which you would wear a ski mask:

1. You are currently skiing.

THAT’S IT. Unless you’re expecting a freak avalanche to catch you while you’re walking down the road carrying a pair of skis, you don’t need to be wearing a ski mask in a casual non-skiing environment. And even if you are expecting a freak avalanche, you still shouldn’t wear a ski mask since you’re probably just being paranoid (unless you live in the Alps, in which case ski mask away!).

What you should be wearing…:

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A scarf will keep you just as warm as a ski mask while keeping the people around you from being under the impression that you’re on your way to rob a bank. Also, chicks dig scarves. There’s no logic to it, honestly. It just says “classy,” whereas a ski mask says “put the money in the bag and no one gets hurt.”

 

5 Vertically Striped Shirts

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By all means, if you have career aspirations to be a curtain then keep wearin’ those vertical stripes. What’s that? You’re not a curtain? Okay…you should probably burn all of those shirts now. Just sayin’.

What you should be wearing…:

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No one looks bad in plaid, no one. You can be fat, hairy, short, explosively rotund, it doesn’t matter; plaid looks good. Vertical stripes on the other hand? Yeah…if you’ve got a beer gut going on underneath that shirt, the stripes will act like a giant neon sign that points to your stomach and says “LOOK HOW FAT I AM.” Probably not the best look if you’re trying to get laid, ever.

4 Hawaiian Shirts

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Can you wear these to the occasional summertime barbecue? Sure. But if you choose to wear them any of the other 350 days of the year you’re going to look like you’re a 5th grader whose Mom let him dress himself that day, and considering that you’re (hopefully) not in the 5th grade by this point that’s probably not the best look to have going for you.

What you should be wearing…:

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You can’t go wrong with a solid colored button up. You can dress it up with a nice pair of slacks, or go casual with jeans; it doesn’t matter. Solid colored button ups are probably the easiest thing to wear and your wardrobe should have so many of them that the closet doors could burst off their hinges at any second.

3 Sweatpants

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For all the lazy gluttons out there who can’t go a single day without spilling condiments on their pants, sweatpants may seem to be the ideal. Surprise: they’re not. While putting out the image that you’re a slob may be an accurate one, it’s not one that’s going to get you laid.

What you should be wearing…:

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Black jeans are the sweatpants of the denim world. You can spill ketchup, mustard, soup, butter, soda, Sunny-D, WHATEVER on them and no one can tell…unless you don’t take the time to wipe it off. Then again, if you choose to dribble ketchup all over yourself and not take the time to at least napkin yourself, there’s probably larger issues at hand here than wearing sweatpants.

2 All Black/Grey Everything 24/7

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There’s nothing wrong with wearing black or grey, but wearing solely those two colors 24/7? Your life isn’t a 1920’s silent film; you should want to stand out (in a good way, of course)! But as always, there’s a good way to stand out and a bad way. Dressing up like a peacock and running around in circles in public will get you the kind of attention you don’t want. But you know what’ll get you the sort of attention you do want?

What you should be wearing…:

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You see this guy? He’s looking downtrodden because he gets laid too often and he’s exhausted. It’s not his charming personality or his beautiful bone structure that makes him popular with the ladies though, it’s that eye-popping shirt. It’s bright without being obnoxiously neon, and bold without being cocky. Really, it’s the perfect way of saying “Hi, I know how to dress myself and look good. What’s your name?”

1 Turtlenecks

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Unless you are over the age of 50 or my Dad, you should not be wearing turtlenecks. Your neck is cold? Fine, refer to #5 and buy a scarf. I know that’s not the problem though; the problem is that you’re looking for something that sets you apart from everyone else. Well congrats for trying to be “unique,” but there’s a way to do it without looking like an elementary school child from the 90’s.

What you should be wearing…:

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Linen Oxford Shirts are perfect for the Bro who doesn’t want to wear the same button up as everyone else but can’t think of a way to stand out, hence the turtleneck. Not only do they look just as current as a regular button up, but they’re visibly different in that the fabric is noticeably softer whereas button ups have more of a stiff feel and look to them. You’re basically saying “I’m laidback yet not to the point where I’m a slob.” Go get’em, ladies.

 

Now that you know what to wear and what not to wear, you’re probably wondering where you can find all of these styles. No one likes searching through multiple stores and websites looking for clothes, so don’t worry. The Five Four Club will not only send you current clothing at discounted prices, but they’ll send you entire outfits. That’s right, you can immediately wear whatever they send you get in the mail without worrying whether it matches or not. You won’t have to worry about color combinations or how a certain type of jean looks when paired with a certain type of shirt. Just let the Five Four Club do all the styling for you and get ready to become irresistible to the ladies.