You would not last a day in the Pliocene Age, the time from five million to two million years ago. Not only was the Earth drastically different than it is today, with no running water or sandwich shops or even deli ham, there were death animals everywhere.
Though the dinosaurs were long gone, and early humans were making their first appearances, and the continents were essentially exactly where they are today, the birds you’d encounter would be nothing like the friendly pigeons and timid sparrows of 2015.
No, there were Terror Birds.
In Argentina, the most complete fossil ever of this animal was just unearthed and good god does it look terrifying.
— Drew Van Dyke (@Breaking_Drews) April 11, 2015
That thing is not actually the size of your computer screen or mobile phone. No, it is ten fucking feet long. Five feet tall. Like I god damn said, a death bird, traipsing around the Earth, raining down death upon everyone.
From the BBC:
Terror birds, or “phorusrhacids”, were the top predators on the South American land mass in the era following the dinosaurs’ extinction some 65 million years ago.
The flightless beasts stood up to 3m tall, boasting long legs and devastating hooked beaks. A previous study of this weaponry suggested that the birds could have despatched their prey with a single blow, before setting to work on its flesh.
“They evolved very unique forms, with huge skulls, huge beaks with hooks, and long hindlimbs,” said Dr Degrange, a terror bird specialist who works at the National University of Cordoba.
And huge fucking balls I imagine. Not that they would need those, since I would shit myself just seeing them.
Damn. The Earth. Always wanting to fuck you up. It’s amazing people have made it this far. These birds should really be in charge of everything. Terror Bird for president. Imagine that in the Oval. Or flying through space in a space suit. Now that would be cool.