“Piss off” might be an understatement, because if you roll up to the turkey table with this dude in tow:
your parents will probably just disown you on the spot.
But if they decide to give him a chance, they’ll quickly find out that he’s a 28-year-old felon with no high school degree, but he DOES own a dirty creeper van that he drives around. He’s also a line cook, because careers.
If that sounds like something you’d be up for, here’s the ad in full:
It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? About how your parents really want more grand children? Well, look no further!
I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your stictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.
I can do these things, at your request:
openly hit on other female guests while you act like you dont notice.
start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.
propose to you in front of everyone.
pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry, i dont drink, but i used to. alot. too much in fact. i know the drill).
Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see.
I require no pay but the free meal i will receive as a guest!