The Cunnilingus Mixer: Three Foods Worse Than Muff Diving

What is most interesting about this mysterious community for the cunnilingual arts, is that while the entire goddamned, wild menagerie appears to have been conceptualized by a rotten council of the sleaziest bastards, chances are these ritualistic lapping festivals are actually the brainchild of a distinguished coven of raging nymphomaniacs or at bare minimum, a loathsome harem of excruciatingly bored housewives.

Be that as it may, the thought of all this proverbial anchovy licking sort of got us to thinking about a variety of foods and how, believe it or not, there are some gastronomic monstrosities currently rotting on your grocer’s shelves that taste and smell far worse than even the most checkered poontang petri dish.

So we thought, just in case you receive an invite to the next neighborhood cunnilingus mixer, that we would turn you on to a few canned culinary rejects that will undoubtedly make the event’s worst possible scenario as tolerable as licking some soft serve ice cream topped with a few strange short and curlies.

Red Wings of the Holy Mackerel

When it comes to going muff diving off the red sea coast of Cooterville, there is a common misconception that any man sleazy enough to vacation in this climate might as well eat a dead animal off the side of the road. Unfortunately, there has been a whole hell of a lot of propaganda spread throughout the years in regards to exactly what raw snatch tastes like; but the truth is, it is actually more pleasing to the palette than say, a bowl of canned mackerel drenched in tomato sauce. Yes, even we have to cover out mouths when we say that.

This is the perfect food for conditioning those inexperienced taste buds and weak stomachs because trust us, canned fish drenched in any kind of processed, red sauce, looks and tastes far worse than any ragtime mistress you will ever meet at a pro tongue-slinging championship.

The Stench of a Labia: [Insert Mouthwash Sponsor Here]

Having the legs of an athletic woman wrapped around your head is not the most horrific of sexual experiences… as long as you happen to be a steroid smoking Olympian! However, for the moral majority of the every day son of a bitch, going down on a woman whose cooter tastes like a hillbilly’s outhouse is almost traumatic enough to send them running for a 24-hour chip down at the local sex addiction facility, and perhaps even swear them off the poontang path forever.

Yet, as a pussy pioneer, a man must learn to overcome his hang-ups in regards to tongue diddling a woman with a sporty box and persist in his efforts to ensure he walks away with his face resembling a glazed donut. Yet, if you are still finding yourself slightly apprehensive about putting your tongue on anything with armpit flavoring, might we suggest choking down a 99-cent can of sardines with a cottage cheese chaser just to get your head back in the game? Even at less than a buck, these nasty stinkers are still priced too high, and more disturbingly, there doesn’t appear to be a strong enough mouthwash on the market to get rid of the vile aftertaste.

However, not only will this fishy dish humble your sexual prowess and help you get acclimated to that old shoe smell that sometimes ligers in the air of a hopping cunnilingus mixer, but the texture of the cottage cheese will serve as an avid reminder that there are worse things in life than getting a little labia smegma on your chin.

Monkeys, Beavers and Oysters… Oh, My!

While there does exist a savage breed of man with a rabid enough sexual appetite to dive in and eat the panty hamsters that he shoots on a regular basis, very few men with an IQ over 70 will dare cross the line and drink the bastard juice from the love chalice of any damsel without a dress. That’s because even though that old coochie tree may have enough room for more than one monkey to swing, that doesn’t mean those bastards don’t get a bit upset when they discover some other primate has been jacking off on their bananas. ← We just love blatantly obvious innuendos.

Unfortunately, if you happen to show up late for a cunnilingus mixer, sometimes, crusty old beaver biscuits are the only appetizers left on the table. Nevertheless, for a man to survive the wrath of a tainted fur burger fresh from the headboard bar and grill, he may want to first consider feeding on a painful diet of hot dogs covered in raw oysters just to toughen up his guts. Spoiler Alert: consuming this grotesque combo will likely result in dry heave vomiting and violent halitosis.

And while this strenuous workout of the gag reflexes is as close as any man should actually come to another guy’s sloppy seconds, you just never really know when the likes of Bill, Stan and Tyrone will outstay their welcome at the next cunnilingus mixer and put a smidge too much meringue in the hair pie.

Side note on eating a bush dinner that has not passed its latest health inspection: Remember this – just because pussy contains the word puss doesn’t mean it should actually come with discharge.

Follow Mike Adams on Twitter @Adamssoup

[Woman on bed image via ShutterStock]

Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes.