I have to give Redditor platypus_sodomy some props: Dude is a savage at Tinder. I’m pretty sure we’ve posted some of his Tinder gold in the past, but I can’t remember which are his specifically. Not only did he come up with these absolutely ridiculous interactions with his matches, he has an absolutely ridiculous story about his behavior on Tinder dates. You can scroll past it if you want since it’s a really long read, but it’s pretty funny. Via:
Well, last year a couple friends and I decided that we should go bowling. The date was April 14th and it was a Tuesday, and we were going out to celebrate that we all got our taxes in on time the day before tax day. Anyways, my friends and I showed up at the bowling alley and I could tell immediately when we got there that something was on my friend, Howardo’s, mind (yes, his name is Howardo, he was named after his dad, who was named after his dad, etc.). He’s the kind that’s very talkative except when something is wrong he becomes very stoic and barely says a word. Well after I asked the young lady behind the counter for my size 13 shoe and I found a 16 pound ball that fit my fingers, I then tried to cheer Howardo up. First I showed him some pictures from my wallet of my cats Shylock and Kevorkian playing with each other, as I know he loves cats.
When that didn’t work, I decided that I’d only talk like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets since I know that he is Howardo’s favorite character. That didn’t work either. At this point, I was starting to get frustrated as to why my friend was so down. I asked my other friend who was there, Octavius, if he knew what was wrong with Howardo, as Howardo was trying to pick up a 4-10 split. Well Octavius had heard just that morning from his girlfriend that her cousin’s friend’s dog had gotten hit by a car and the guy driving it was the significant other of the mailman in Howardo’s neighborhood and that the mailman had to rush his deliveries that day to get home and comfort his partner and a lot of mail had gotten mixed up and had to be either delivered by hand to the rightful owner or returned to sender. I asked if Octavius if that had an effect on Howardo and he said no, so I was back at square one. I decided that I would try something that no person had ever thought of before, I would ask Howardo himself if anything was wrong. He said no. It was at this point that I realized I’m terrible at reading people and got a bit upset with myself. Not only was I bowling a poor game by my standards but I had gotten very worked up about something that I had misjudged. I decided that I would drown my sorrows in a basket of bacon cheese fries from the snack bar. Now I’m not one to overload things with catsup but this time I really overdid it.
Being the man that I am, I ignored Howardo and Octavius when they said I should probably get some napkins or silverware and I continued to smash the fries. When it was my turn to bowl, I didn’t clean all of the catsup off of my ring finger and a good amount ending up accumulating inside of the finger hole. Embarrassed, I snuck the bowling ball into the bathroom under my shirt and ran it under the sink. Surprisingly, this worked better than expected and I was able to get out and dry the inside of the finger hole with some paper towels. Once I exited the bathroom, the blood fled from my face. I had just realized that I left my bacon cheese fries unattended at our table and Octavius had taken two. Livid with my friend, I stormed over and began to yell. He knows that I am a penny pincher and not one to share, so why would he think that it’s ok for him to take some of my fries without him asking? Surprisingly, Howardo agreed with me despite his lax attitude about sharing food as he thought Octavius was not ring a good friend by just taking some without asking.
I thanked Howardo for his support and told Octavius that it’s fine that he had some but that I would prefer if he asked next time. I realized that it was my turn to go and the two of them were waiting on me so I awkwardly speed walked with my ball up to the lane in order to get there in a timely fashion and look socially acceptable by not running at a bowling alley. It was at that point that I realized that there was an elderly lady in the lane next to me who had decided to wait for me to take my turn as she saw me scuttle up next to the ball return. I assured her that she should go first as she was there first and I didn’t mid waiting for her to go. She retorted by saying that I seemed to be in a hurry and I should just go, and she said this in a rather snarky tone. I realized that she was looking for a public setting to demonstrate to her bowling friends (who were probably all neighbors at her retirement center) that she still has a spine and can stand up for herself. I told her that she should really just go and this “conversation” quickly turned to shouting as I crossed over into her lane as we yelled at each other. Being close to her, I could feel spit from her mouth hit my face with every syllable she spoke. A bit even got into my mouth as we were yelling simultaneously and I could taste her denture paste.
The manager of the bowling alley emerged from the back room behind the counter and asked what was going on. I told him what had conspired and the geezer started yelling about how it was all lies. Naturally, the manager assumed the person with one foot in their grave wouldn’t be lying and kicked me and my friends out. As we were rudely exiting, I decided that I would quickly try to win the claw game that was by the exit, as is tradition when I leave the bowling alley. The manager, who had been watching us leave, yelled that I had to go now and couldn’t play. I responded with “FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT.” I noticed the old woman, who was now behind the manager with her arms crossed trying to intimidate me as I left, began to clutch her chest. She began wheezing and soon fell over. Everyone huddled around and an employee with enormous sideburns called 911. When the paramedics arrived, it was too late and the woman was pronounced dead.
When asked what happened, the manager, who was still in shock, claimed that I had charged the two of them, inciting her cardiac arrest. Everyone began to side with him and I was eventually tried for manslaughter. It turns out that there were video cameras at the bowling alley that we ended up getting to prove I did not charge the manager and elderly patron so I was let go but the judge banned me from bowling alleys.
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