9 Essential Tips To Help You Survive The Warped Hell That Is Black Friday

Let’s face it, Black Friday is a monster pain in the ass. Anyone foolish enough to actually venture out to the mall on the Friday after Thanksgiving is just as likely to come away with a severe case of PSTD as they are a killer bargain. Anytime you can say that shopping will leave you in the same boat as a war veteran who’s seen some shit, you know it’s time for some help. And since we care so much about you, we’ve got you covered with these helpful tips for surviving Black Friday.

Don’t Buy Just to Buy

Look, unless you absolutely have to have something and someone’s offering it you for a stick of bubblegum and a friendly how-do-you-do, there’s really no need to rush out to the store on that fateful Friday morn. Helpful hint: there will be deals all over the damn place right up until Christmas. And most of the supposed “deals” on Black Friday are really just marketing gimmicks anyway, advertising prices that are really no different than they are the rest of the year. Again, if it’s a deal that’s too good to pass up, gear up, bro. But if not, sleep that Turkey hangover off, wake up at noon, crush some leftovers and disappear into a food coma for the rest of the weekend. It’s what the Pilgrims and Indians would want you to do.

Look Online First

Come on, man, it’s the 21st century. There’s no need to pack up the family Model T and head on down to Grandpa Jedediah’s Old Fashioned Toy Barn where the best sellers are some sticks, yarn and gumption. We have this thing called the Internet now, and you can buy anything you want off of it, including gumption. Sure, you might have to go on the dark Web to find quality gumption, but that still beats being crushed to death by a 900-pound cake addict in a Rascal scooter because the local store only has one X-Playbox Station 8 for sale.

Visualize Your Plan of Attack

Okay, if you absolutely have to go, plan that shit out. I’m talking blueprints, maps, full-on battle plans, bros. Do some recon, figure out how many klicks it is from your car to your prize. Look for exit strategies. Look for alternate exit strategies. Avoid chokepoints, or anywhere you might get ambushed. I know you’ve played enough Call of Duty to be able to figure this shit out. I believe in you.

Get In and Get Out

Once you’re there, stick to the plan, and move as fast as possible. Don’t get distracted by other deals or by some old lady pulling a faux “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” routine just to throw you off your game so she can rob you before you’ve even left the store. You think this is a game, bro? You’re in the shit, and the only way out is to strike hard and strike fast and don’t look back at the chaos you leave behind.

Bring a Posse

Go in there like Wyatt Earp at the O.K. Corral and get that shit done. But remember, even Wyatt Earp needed Doc Holliday covering his ass. And things will go a lot better for you too if you have a posse watching your back and clearing out any obstacles as you try to smuggle your prize out the door before some trailer trash sees you and calls his army of meth-heads down on you. The last thing you need is to be caught out there alone. No one wants a gang war in the parking lot of Walmart, but it’s either you or them.

Don’t Underestimate Anyone

See that old, blind lady all hunched over, waving that cane around helplessly? Yeah, those dark glasses she’s got on are really some high tech recon glasses. I’m talking some straight up Iron Man shit. And that “cane” is really a dueling sword. These are dangerous people. They smell a deal, and nothing – and no one – is gonna get in the way of that. The friendlier they seem, the more likely they’ll be to slash your Achilles when no one is looking and then leave you in a bloody heap while they enjoy that $20 that you could have saved. I suggest just punching the first old lady you see. Really set the tone. Show that you’re nobody to fuck around with.

Sabotage the Competition

That shaved bear rolling around in that Rascal scooter may seem like he has the edge, but you’ve got to see everything as an opportunity. Slash his tires and make him crawl for the prize. Bring a bitch in heat to distract that blind old lady’s seeing-eye dog. Get the meth-heads off their game by dressing like Walter White. Do what you’ve gotta do. That’s all I’m saying. It’s nothing to be proud of, but you leave that shit behind when you go home. War is hell. And so is Black Friday.


Look, it’s a nuthouse out there. There are people everywhere, running around, pushing, hollering at each other. An old lady just smashed someone with a brick in her purse. Just grab that shit and run. Again, it’s not something to be proud of, but you need every edge you can get if you want to get out of there alive. The store employees will be too busy running crowd control and pepper spraying grandma after she gets out of control to notice you calmly walking out the door with that video game in your coat pocket. Sure, some will tell you that this is bad advice, and you’ll end up getting tasered by the Dirty Harry of mall cops, or that this is immoral, but there are no rules in war, only survivors. What they call thievery, the great generals would call “foraging,” and are you really gonna disappoint Napoleon? But really, watch out for Dirty Harry. That guy is a dick.

Don’t Go

Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Don’t do this. Are you a 62 year-old lady from Nebraska who exclusively wears cat-print sweaters and spends the rest of her days haggling over prices at garage sales? Because that’s the sort of person who gets sucked into the Black Friday black hole. You’re better than that, bro. You’re better than that.

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