7 Vital Lessons for 2014 I Learned from My Spam Folder

Here are a few of the lessons I learned from my spam email subject lines.

Lesson 1: A badass nickname is necessary

Huggable clearly demonstrates the importance of having an action-oriented, descriptive nickname. All bros need a similar nickname, one bestowed upon them from peers that goes beyond a simple combination of first and last name (D-Will, B-Mase etc.) or body size (Big Mike, Lil’ Bow Wow, etc.). How does a bro achieve this nickname? He does things he wants to be known for. He grabs life by the fucking horns and forever becomes known as ROI, Moose or 3rd Base.

Lesson 2: There is a time and place for writing in ALL CAPS

Terese looks like an ass clown. I can read. I also can’t see a photo of Ms. Garms or tell about her once in a lifetime personality from this subject line. I think there are eight occasions when typing in all caps is appropriate. They are:

1. Someone a friend has hooked up with has gotten sups fat

2. You remember a phrase from your past that you can then seamlessly work into conversation: NO BITCHASSNESS.

3. Engagement announcements

4. When trolling someone complaining on Facebook about the weather or how they’re sick.

5. You’re an architect and/or mad talented with AutoCAD

6. You’re using OMFG or LOL when sending a photo of a friend that tried a new fashion look and failed miserably

7. A new Miley song just dropped and it’s hot fire

8. You discovered the hottest Instagram chick you’ve ever seen and her profile is public

Lesson 3: Set realistic expectations

Nerta is full of shit. Ask any man married for more than 15 years and he’ll tell you getting laid for life ends at around 45. Most egregious is Nerta’s assumption that dating is free of charge. So apparently dinners, vodka sodas with TWO limes and “I’m sorry. I don’t know why Lindsey is one my best friends on Snapchat” flowers are now free?! I think I’ll settle for splitting the Applebee’s bill once per month and a good boink from my lady 1.5 times per week from here into perpetuity.

Lesson 4: Be direct and ask for what you what

It’s time to get down to brass tacks in 2014. If you never ask, you’ll never receive. Not only in relationships/life, but also in emails. Candyholic teaches us an important lesson about online communication and main point messaging. Mainly, people should be able to tell exactly what your email is asking for from the subject line. We know she wants NSA sex, and now I really want to see what she has to say in the body of her message. I’ve tried this tactic already in 2014, and while people still don’t read my work emails or answer any questions I ask after the first two lines, I feel like my messages mean business and have much more no-nonsense swag.

Lesson 5: There are wholesome girls out there still looking for romance

Thank you Maisie. I was getting worried all the ladies want is NSA sex. I’m glad there still may be someone out there who would appreciate sitting down with a pint of mint chocolate chip and snuggle-watching The Holiday.

Lesson 6: Mystery is intriguing and goes a long way

This is the only message in my spam folder I actually clicked on. It was an ad for a new duffel bag. In a time when every eggs benedict brunch is Instagrammed, mystery and silent head nods go a long way. An easy way to make yourself more mysterious: Take the shoulder strap off a work shoulder bag and carry it by the handles. You now could be transporting highly confidential CIA documents, dealing high-end blow or carrying your MacBook to the nearest Starbucks to write BroBible articles.

Lesson 7: Make up new phrases

KL’s grammar is affecting/effecting my wiener in a negative way, but I like her creativity in phrasing. “Going Horny” could be the next gettin’ turnt, Daft Punk chorus or girl’s-night-out hashtag. It’s always good to have some fresh vocab in your pocket. In 2014, I’m going to think of a few new turns of phrase to add to my “Don’t worry about it; I’m rich” arsenal.

Searching for life inspiration in your Spam inbox is a little unorthodox, but at one time, so was passing in football, thinking the Earth was round and riding a wrecking ball naked. Before clicking delete, take a quick glance at your Spam messages. You might find new inspiration for 2014, or at least get some free cookie pizza.

Find Jake's BroBible archive here. You can also follow him on Twitter and check out his blog, Big Balls Ideas.