The Bro’s Guide To Being War Dog

The definition of a “War Dog” is a hustler who makes money off war without ever stepping onto a battlefield.

In the new WB film War Dogs (based on a true story), Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play childhood friends who do just that — as they win a $300 million contract to arm the Afghan army. Basically the bro brainstorm of a lifetime.

But that’s them. What about you? How can you find your own hustle and profit like hell from it? Follow the steps below to figure out how you can hustle your way to the American dream.

We’ve all got that dream inside of us… time to figure out how to achieve it.

In the year 2016, working a 9-5 job may earn you a paycheck, but it probably won’t earn you millions or a big fat yacht.

The million-dollar question is… can get you rich doing something you absolutely love? For instance, sports. Your dreams of becoming a pro-anything were dashed with that last college keg stand injury, but what about fantasy sports? There are bros who are literally so good at them that they get tens of thousands just to show up at daily fantasy sports events.

Just. To. Show. Up.

Others have made millions playing fantasy sports mastering spread sheets and substitution patterns like no other — doing what they want to do instead of what they need to do. Follow the lead of bros before you. Give up your weekly grind to make your hobby a career.

Just be good at it.

Bonnie & Clyde. Mario & Luigi. Hall & Oates. All the greats have had a wingman on their way to achieving great things.

Once you’ve hatched the big idea, you’ll need someone in your corner to help you execute. Who better to go into the trenches with — the snot-nose grandkid of your first investor or the first person you told when you lost your virginity? We think you know the answer.

As the saying goes, “Do what you love and you’ll never work another day in your life.”

Picking your business partner might just be the biggest decision of your life.

Make the right choice.

You’ve got your vision, a solid business idea and partner who doesn’t totally suck. Now the real work begins.

You’re going to need a plan of attack. Time to talk to everyone (and their mothers) to get rock solid advice, a slew of strategic introductions and money. You’re going to need money. Potentially a sh*t a ton of it. That’s where the hustle comes in.

You’ll need a strong elevator pitch — a compelling 30-second spiel that convinces people you’re the best thing to ever happen to them. Make it bulletproof because this might be the most important thing you do on this journey — convincing people you’re going to make them rich and not a person of interest on the FBI “Most Wanted” list.

Behind every successful person is usually jerk of an authority figure saying they won’t amount to crap. Don’t be discouraged by these naysayers…

Prove them wrong.

To get filthy rich, you’re going to need not just balls… but the ability to recognize a gold rush opportunity. Or in this case, a green rush.

Enter Michael Straumietis. In cannabis industry circles, he goes by Big Mike. On Instagram, where he puts his jet-setting marijuana lifestyle on display, he goes by Marijuana Don. Unless you read High Times, you probably aren’t familiar with him or his product.

But in his own words, “if you grow or consume marijuana, you’ve benefited from something Big Mike has done.”

As founder and CEO of Advanced Nutrients, Big Mike has managed to grow a business empire around cannabis cultivation. Or as he puts it to us, “Advanced Nutrients is the number one marijuana fertilizer brand in the world.We’re doing $65 million annually now, by the end of the year, we should be in the $70s.” In the world of legal ganja-preneurship, Advanced Nutrients is selling shovels in a gold rush. Not only are they in “over 90 countries around the world” according to Marijuana Don, but it’s legal. “I just want to say that it is an agricultural business. You’re growing a crop.”

Is your mind spinning with possibilities? The Don continues. “Advanced Nutrients started because I was growing weed. I started a lawn care company when I was 19. It was one of those deals where you put the fertilizer on people’s lawns to turn it nice and green and kill off all the weeds. We were using pesticides and fungicides.”

That’s when the big idea struck. “I started fixing my own chemicals from scratch into those big 1,000-gallon trucks and spreading it on people’s lawns. I’d been growing weed with the fertilizer … so one day I turned to my friend and say ‘We can make this stuff. I know how to do it.”

It started first with a hydroponic store in Canada where he started selling it, and then to friends. Then it spread out of the need for a better product because medical marijuana had just become legal in Canada. “This stuff is made for cannabis, so people from The States came knocking on our door. People were literally, no bullshit, opening up their truck in Humboldt County, and all through California selling Advanced Nutrients’ products out of their cars.

So we opened a little 1,500 sq. ft. place in Washington state where we started mixing the nutrients. Then we just started moving to bigger places as demand surged. Now we have about a 60,000-sq. ft. production facility.”

This has resulted in a tremendous personal financial boom for Big Mike, who’s frequently pictured in his private jet on Instagram, models in tow. He resides in the Hollywood Hills on an estate he calls “The Marijuana Mansion.” He calls moving to Hollywood “the best thing I ever did.”

Home grown success cultivated from a little weed fertilizer.

That’s the American Dream.

In War Dogs, the Jonah Hill and Miles Teller characters demonstrate an insane level of ballsiness on their way to a massive fortune.

Unfortunately, that eventually spirals into a life-or-death situation… that is mostly their fault. If you happen to amass a fortune after hustling your way to success, the last thing you want to do is blow it all. If the business starts to tank — and your mailbox keeps throwing up creditor notices — don’t let your empire get brought down in a fit of hubris.

Greed isn’t always good. One minor oversight and the walls could close in faster than you can say, “Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, please.” Read the room. Know when it’s time to get out and don’t stay past your point of welcome.
That’s a lot of cliches for one sentence, but cliches are cliches because they’re true.

And we’ll say it until the cows come home.

End of day, don’t mastermind tips #1 through #4 to become a millionaire…

Brandon Wenerd is BroBible's publisher, writing on this site since 2009. He writes about sports, music, men's fashion, outdoor gear, traveling, skiing, and epic adventures. Based in Los Angeles, he also enjoys interviewing athletes and entertainers. Proud Penn State alum, former New Yorker. Email: