Leaves are changing, the weather is cooling off and the number of pumpkin flavored food products is skyrocketing in stores- it’s October. Summer is officially over and October is the poster boy month of fall, and if there is one thing I’ve learned about this month (especially through social media), it’s that ladies love October.
I’m not sure if it’s the added attention their asses get due to the cooler weather that merits the official start of legging season, or if it’s because of the additional energy they have due to all the pumpkin spiced lattes they drink, but something about those changing leaves and cider mills really get chicks leaves turning.
But why? Why is it when the maples go from green to red, yellow and orange females seem to morph into a effervescent lover of cider, mother nature and football?
I believe the answer here is simple: competition. Girls love competition, but not so much competition versus completely thwarting any girl in their path. Now, how can a simple thing like the changing of the seasons create competition aka Frank what the fuck are you talking about?
If there is anyone reading this who has had a girlfriend, you know that any female that poses “a threat” (i.e. is attractive, has a personality, made you laugh, possesses a vagina) to your significant other is immediately demolished with comments like “Did you see her hair?” “What the hell was she wearing?” “She sounded stupid” or my personal favorite, “Ew.”
Fall opens up a whole new playing field of competition. As we exit summer where the female population went toe-to-toe-blow-for-blow with sun dresses, skimpy running gear, and, the greatest battle of them all, bikinis, we now enter a whole new playing field where leggings, UGGs, and lightweight North Faces reign supreme. But the silent war is not only waged through cute fall apparel. No, the battle to see who can be the cutest through social media and relationship endeavors will also passive-aggressively tread onward.
You can be ready for a barrage of tweets and Instagram posts with run of the mill creatively barren hashtags such as #fall, #october #autumn #love, or sometimes you may even get something with a little flare to it such as #octoberlove #pumpkins #cider #boyfriend #octoberspiceboyfriendlove. The Instagram posts for the entire month will feature girls in scarves unnecessarily sitting on their boyfriends’ shoulders helping them pick apples they won’t eat from a cider mill that took two hours to get to, but be aware this is all a silent battle of who can have the cutest/best fall experience.
Boyfriends, also know that you are nothing but a pawn in this sick game. She doesn’t want the interconnection of unity and relational teamwork that goes into you helping her pick that apple. No, she wants the Instagram photo to show that bitch Rachel from your 10:20 sociology class that not only are you her property, but that her fall themed hair tie is way more trendy than that stupid pumpkin one Rachel wore last week.
Girls love and “knowledge” of football somehow rises by 625% during this month to prove that they can “hang with the guys,” and have “always been a huge fan!” Well, maybe not huge, but definitely more than that stupid vagina-tart Sharon.
And just when October is about to end, girls celebrate its conclusion by dressing in a way that would make their fathers cry, getting inappropriately wasted off of pumpkin flavored vodka/boxed wine and crying. Some people call this conclusive celebratory event “Halloween.”
Now, some of you may say that this theory is not true at all and that girls just love fall cause it’s a great time of the year! But I know a conspiracy when I see one, and I know you ladies do not love your fall boyfriends or mother nature as much as you’re posting on social media because it’s impossible to love those entities so much when you are infatuated with another girl, a girl named Autumn.
[Header image via Shutterstock]