Will You Be My Girlfriend? (No, Seriously, See Criteria Below)

Hi ladies,

I’m a 29-year-old male and I’ve been single for a while. I’m thinking it’s time to get back in the saddle and in to a loving relationship with a woman who may also be my soulmate. Are you that person?

Here are some requirements:

Your height should be between 5’4″ and 5′ 6″. I’m 6′ tall and I’ve calculated this is the perfect height disparity for things such as picture taking, cuddling on the couch and hand-holding while walking through Lowe’s.

Be a fan of Lowe’s. I love their products and their customer service is superb.

Have a sibling of some sort. You need to work well with others. Bonus points if you grew up in a bit of dysfunction, it will allow you to roll with the punches. But not too much dysfunction where you have to go to like therapy or any weird voodoo stuff.

Good boobs. I’m thinking like a B-D cup range. Granted I have no clue what any of that shit means but I’m looking for something good. Like Scarlett Johansson or Amy Adams or that girl from That 70s Show. No, the other one.

Please only speak ONE language (English). I get jealous pretty easily and I will always think you’re talking about some other guy you want to be with if you’re rolling your tongue like a sexy European person.

Know sports. I can’t date someone who doesn’t know the difference between a jump ball and a loose ball. Also, it’s helpful if you know your 40-yard dash time.

Do not like sports too much. That can be tough to handle sometimes. Like, there is more to life than just sports, you know?

Have the ability to hold in your farts. I’m not an idiot, I know it’s 2014 and everybody takes a poop once a week but, like, just never do it around me or my friends or your friends or anyone you ever meet. Thanks.

Admit the movie The Ring is scary as shit. I don’t know when it became cool to make fun of The Ring but that movie is horrifying. Ever see a girl with creepy ass hair pop out of a TV like that before? Exactly, that’s why I’m scared.

Keep your hair short. But not too short. Or you can have it longer but make sure it’s angled like Rachel from Friends.

Use some kind of lotion on your feet. I once dated a girl who had quite a rough foot exterior and it was not pleasant. Make your feet pleasant. Don’t you want your feet to be pleasant?

Smile everyday because life is a gift and we should enjoy it.  🙂

Be really attractive. Like pretty hot, but not “‘too hot that I’ll have to fight a guy every time we go out” but also not ‘so not hot that the guy will be like ugh you can have her.’

Enjoy having sex in short intervals. I have sex like I eat, 4-6 small meals a day.

Please don’t use a blow dryer around me. The sound makes me think of the one time I was lost in a hair salon as a young child. The most harrowing 12 minutes of my life.

Don’t have a weird name like Flo Rida or Coolio or Sarah Michelle Gellar.  I don’t like girls with strange names because that means they have experimented sexually with some kind of tattoo parlor employee while high on meth. I saw a Lifetime movie about that once.

Love HDTV’s House Hunters like I do. One half hour, two people, three houses…what will they choose? It’s great to see the updated kitchens and open layouts and wonderful Colonials.

Don’t love HDTV’s House Hunters International. That show sucks. Plus most of the time they’re barely speaking English. Like hello, I’m in America, where are you, Peru? Oh you are? Cool, heard it’s nice there.

Be OK dating an unemployed 29-year-old who is kind of overweight but not in a “Hey fatso!” kind of way, more like “Hey did you once play sports and then never do any athletic activities ever again?” kind of way.

I look forward to your submissions.

Follow and/or stalk Mike Camerlengo on Twitter.